cheater cheaty mccheaterson

So, I cheated yesterday, and sort of today.

Yesterday, you are all aware of my scone cheat.

Then, I decided to continue with the illegal eating spree!  I had two pieces of cheeseless pizza at work (it was Pizza Day!).  I had the best intentions of getting back on board and eating a healthy dinner.  My emotions got the best of me and that turned into dinner from Taco Bell, followed by homemade ice cream sundaes with pound cake, bananas, fudge sauce, peanuts and whipped cream.

This morning I was semi-determined to get back on board.  So, I had my iced coffee this morning.  Then, I got into a fight with Josh.  And I got an iced grande non-fat caramel macchiato.  And then I decided to get back to it.  I made the mock french toast for breakfast.  I slightly burned the apples, and then overcooked the rest, so it was less than satisfying as food.  Afterwards, I was still kind of hungry.

I ran errands with my mom, we talked about the plan, she complimented me on how good I looked, and we got home at around 3ish.  I proceeded to break into a bag of cheetos and cheese popcorn.  And ate 3 squares of Ghiradelli chocolate.

I don't know what my problem is!  I really want to do this plan - I really want to lose the weight because I know I have a LONG way to go.

But, I am losing motivation to stay on track and reach my goals.  :(  I am not motivated to eat foods on plan because they are not emotionally satisfying.  They are blech.  I am not motivated to do anything.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!!!  I need to get off this cheating spree and get back on plan!!!!

Ok, tomorrow - I will do it all tomorrow!  Tomorrow I will have scrambled eggs with veggies, and yogurt with fruit for breakfast.  Lunch will be faux tacos in lettuce wraps.  And dinner will be oven baked chicken kabobs!  Snack will be a kefir smoothie, and/or a blended vanilla coffee drink with almond milk.

I'm feeling my meal planning mojo return!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I think I'm going to run to the grocery store in a bit.  YAY MEAL PLANNING!

One down...three more to go!

Happy Day World!

I edited the format of the blog, but I am a blogging neophyte so I'm still learning how to put everything together.  Can't figure out how to change the format of the Recipe page so that every recipe is like a new post.  Oh well - I'm sure you can deal with things as they are.  I only have two recipes up - but will put up more as I can think of them.

There are two other bread sticks hiding under the eggs.

I'm down an additional 1.2 pounds from Saturday's weigh in.  I imagine this would have been a significant amount more if I had NOT cheated this last weekend.  But, I did cheat - so it was 1.2 pounds for a total of 8.2 pounds lost on this journey.

I'm pretty proud of myself.

B - Kefir smoothie with strawberries
L - Chicken salad over greens
Snack - Yogurt
D - Cauliflower bread sticks with 2 eggs and veggies (Brussels sprouts and carrots)
Snack2 - Sugar free caramel pudding

SKINNY JENN - HERE I COME!!!  Are you ready for me? 

Off the wagon.

So, I chose to fall off the wagon this weekend. 

Sunday, I had sunflower seeds, chocolate goldfish (instead of cheese), peanut M&Ms, mini snickers, shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, a cheeseburger ON A BUN, macaroni salad, AND potato chips.

Today, I had waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast.  More sunflower seeds.  And an awesome evening meal of pizza, followed by chocolate cake.

And I have enjoyed every morsel and EVERY bite.  This is what happens when I deny myself - I gorge.  Stupid gorging.

I had planned to get back on track today, after last night's food debauchery.  That did not happen.  So, then I thought - after breakfast.  That did not happen.  So, then, I thought - TOMORROW!  It's the end of a 3 day weekend that I desperately needed.  I have to get back to the real world tomorrow - which includes responsibilities such as cooking, and meal planning.  So, tomorrow it's BACK to the board.

Since I had two days of debauchery - I'm adding two-three days to the Phase I portion.  Dr. Moreno says you don't have to start over at Day I if you fall off the wagon, and although I'm tempted - I'm just going to add a few more days to try to cleanse some of the junk out. 

I'm feeling a lot of things right now.  Human.  Disappointed.  Happy.  Sick.  Angry.

Human.

I am human - I cannot be perfect.  I live life and I falter.  I am faced with temptations, and sometimes I give in.  I wanted to give in on Saturday - at the wedding - with bread and pie and potatoes.  But I remained strong...but that urge to give in has been bubbling to the surface and I had a feeling it would rear it's ugly head at me.  And - it did.  And I'm human.  So, I deal with it.

So, my weight loss is going to be slowed down a bit - and I'm honestly terrified to find out how much it's going to be thrown off.  Because I have worked SO HARD.  SO INCREDIBLY HARD.  I've posted how difficult this journey has been - you are all aware.  And I would be heartbroken if I found out that I've thrown it all away in 2 days.  Really hoping it's not the case.

Disappointed.

Disappointed that I have worked so hard and I chose to give in to my weakness.  I could have stayed strong.  I could have stuck to it.  But, I was weak and I gave in.  And I'm disappointed in myself.  I had made it through 2 weeks of the plan!  YAY!  But, I faltered.  Goes back to the support of the fact that I am human. 

Disappointed that I have to start over with the 21 day habit cycle - I didn't break myself of the carb cravings.  I gave in to them - 2 weeks in.  I only had one more week to go to get there - and I gave in!!!!  DAMN ME!

Disappointed that I worked so hard to get rid of the fake stuff.  My body was getting healthy.  And I just put more of that shit into it.  Now, I feel like I do need to start over to continue the cleansing.  I am no longer clean.

Happy.

Happy that I tasted wonderful food - buttered buns, potato chips, saltiness, sweetness, candy, chocolate.  DELICIOUSNESS!

Sick.

Did I not mention everything I have eaten?  You would be sick too!!!!  ICK in my tummy.  But happiness too!!!! ICK and HAPPY!

Angry.

Angry that I broke my awesome streak.  Angry that I'm not stronger.  Angry that I'm weak.  Angry that I'm human.  Angry that food won the battle in this war of the will.  Will it always win?  Is this my way of resigning myself to the fact that I will always be fat?  Always be ruled by food?  Am I conceding?

No.  My resolve is stronger than ever.  Maybe I need to have a gluttonous weekend every two weeks on this journey to allow myself to refocus?  I feel gross right now.  I felt like a rock star on the plan.  This is a journey.  This is not a race (even though I'd like it to be).  This is my life.  Cake happens and I will give in.  And that's ok.

I have the rest of my life to get this right, I suppose.  It's hard because I want to be thin now.  I want to be skinny now.  I want to be desirable and attractive NOW.  But, this is a learning process.  I didn't gain all this weight overnight.  I'm not going to lose it all overnight. 

So, here is the plan:

Tomorrow - breakfast is my kefir smoothie with green tea.  Iced coffee and eggs for snack.  Cabbage casserole for lunch.  Baby carrots for afternoon snack.  Fizza (faux pizza) for dinner. 

And instead of ending this cycle on Thursday and starting Phase II...I will be starting Phase II on Saturday.  Hmmm...I was thinking I would weigh myself on Saturday.  But, I don't think that's enough cushion time to get rid of the debauchery from this weekend.  So, I'm going to extend Phase I through Sunday.  I will start Phase II on Monday - June 4th. 

n one week - I will start Phase II.  So, I'm extending this cycle by 4 days (that should be enough time to get rid of two days of debauchery - I hope). 

So, phase II officially starts Monday, June 4th.  I will not weigh myself until Monday, June 4th.  It will be the start of a new week and a new phase in life.  :)  And I will work EXTREMELY hard this week to ensure I am on plan 100%!!!

No pork rinds.  No cheese (other than fat free feta).  No sausage.  No fruits after 2pm!  100% ON plan!  I can do this!  I am ready for this challenge! 

Back on the wagon again my friends!  Here's to another week of cleansing myself!  YAY!!!!  This is going to be wonderful!  I am very excited!

Failure.

So, I must preface the below blog with the following:  It is EXTREMELY negative.  I was in a shame spiral and in a very negative mood.  It is a definite downer and in no way shape or form positive.  You have been warned.  :)

The count down is on.  The last day of Phase I is in 4 days (Wednesday).

I'm feeling quite a few things right now.  I'm disappointed in myself, and angry with myself.  I "cheated" yesterday (Saturday) and I went off plan on Friday.

Friday, I was really craving chips.  So, I got the idea to eat pork rinds - they're carb free!  They're high in fat, and probably not the best for my health, but they're crunchy and carb free.  Phase I has low fat as the key - and I did not eat low fat.  Then, Friday night, instead of making the Fizza (faux pizza) I was planning on, I ordered coconut thai soup with chicken and panang curry with shrimp and asparagus.  All not on the plan of Phase I.  Still, low carb, but NOT appropriate for Phase I.  I failed.  I failed.  I screwed it up and didn't follow the plan appropriately - and now my path is marred.  Marred by error and failure.  I feel horrible.  I feel pathetic.  I can't even follow a plan for SEVENTEEN DAYS!  It wasn't even 17 days - it was about 10 or 11 days...I can't follow a plan for for TEN DAYS!  What the hell is WRONG with me?!

I feel like such a loser.

Yesterday, I tried to be good, stay on plan.  I went to a wedding yesterday.  And I wasn't planning on going off plan, but I did.  Josh got me a mango, ginger, lemon drop.  And he said I didn't have to drink it.  But, I did.  I really wanted it, and so I drank it.  I drank every ounce of that thing.

I passed up the bread, mashed potatoes, and left the wedding before they served dessert because I wanted to give in.  But, that drink was a fail.

Then, I got home after the wedding, entered my food, and realized I had only eaten about 850 calories.  And I was hungry (no wonder).  But I did not want to cook anything - and I didn't want to heat up the cabbage casserole thing I made.  And Josh made popcorn.  With butter.  So, I ate it.  I ate approximately 6 cups of buttery popcorn.  I am such a failure!!!!!!!  :(

I realize that I'm being extremely negative and extremely down.  And I realize that I should be positive and send goodness out into the world - but I am extremely depressed right now, so I'm focusing on all the negatives.  Logically, I know, by putting negatives out there I'm creating a negative cycle.

But, I am extremely down and right now it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  i feel like I'm in a dark hole...and I can see the top of it...and I can see the light outside...but i can't get to it.  I can't reach it.

This morning, Josh and I left town and are staying in a cabin in the woods with his family and friends.  I am surrounded by temptation - brownies, chips, peanut m&ms (my fav), popcorn, peanut butter, jelly, bread.  I want to give in SO badly.  I already feel like shit, and am feeling pretty hopeless about this weight loss journey at this time, but I feel like a loser and a failure already - and I know that giving in would make me feel even worse.

This morning, Josh made breakfast.  He made me an omelet with chicken sausage and cheddar.  Chicken sausage and cheddar = not allowed.

Did not even drink 1L of water yesterday.  And I'm behind on water today.

Oh, and tomorrow - we're having strawberry waffles for breakfast.  I.  LOVE.  WAFFLES.  My FAVORITE!  This whole time I have craved and desired waffles, breads, pastries.  I want a fricken pancake dammit!  But, I will remain strong.  I will have yogurt and strawberries for breakfast.  :)  And coffee with my acidophilus milk.  And i will be good.  Because I'm tired of being fat!!!!!

I'm tired of looking disgusting in pictures.  I'm tired of looking disgusting in clothes.  No one wants to marry a fat girl.  No one wants to start a family with a fat girl.  I have to lose weight to have a future. 

My weigh in is technically tomorrow, but I'll be at the cabin, so that's not going to happen.  I'll weigh in on Tuesday.

I weighed in on Saturday and am only down .2 pounds from my weigh in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's because I cheated Friday night, or because my weight loss is going to naturally slow down, but it has contributed to my sadness.

Although, last night, at the wedding, I felt that I looked like a bombshell - if I do say so myself.  However, as the evening went on, the more I caught glimpses of myself, I realized that I have a really long way to go before I can consider myself a bombshell.  Like at least 60 more pounds.  It feels pretty hopeless.  It feels hopeless to have lost 7 pounds, in such a short time, and realize that it's just a drop in the bucket.  A very large bucket, and a very small drop.

This isn't where I imagined my life to be.  But, nothing has ever gone the way I thought it would go.  I should just realize that life will go it's own way and I should just go with it and enjoy the ride.  I need to learn to accept.  Accept everything - it is what it is.

I don't feel like I can give an accurate representation of the 17 day diet because I haven't been following it.  I feel like the experiment was a failure already.

I'm sorry.  I'll still keep up with the plan, and will post all my results, good or bad.  And please just know that my results are not an accurate representation of the 17 day diet, phase I because I screwed up.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!  Take care all!