Phase II - Change of Attitude

So, I'm on Day 9 of Phase II.  And the first week was not so hot.

Part of me wants to have a "do-over" and extend Phase II by at least 3-4 days.  Another part of me wants the other part to relax and realize it's life.  Sometimes you plan to be perfect, and sometimes your plan goes to hell in a handbasket.  No biggie.  You pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. 

When I weighed in after Phase I, I was at 172.8.

I had a cheat day that day.  Avoided weigh in the next day.  Tried to stick to my plan, but the calorie ranges when something like this:
Day 1 (Phase II) - 1226;
Day 2 - 1424;
Day 3 - 1583;
Day 4 - 3297;
Day 5 - 1765;
Day 6 - 1022;
Day 7 - 1290;
Day 8 - 952;
Day 9 - 1294 (today - assuming I stick to my plans for dinner and snacks)

Average overall calories consumed - 1539.22 (slightly UNDER my maximum calorie range for the day - assuming the range is calculated correctly - however this is NOT including my cheat day the day before I started Phase II).  This is WAY too high for my taste.

I went over calories on Day 3...completely cheated on Day 4, sort of cheated on Day 5, and brought it all back to center by Day 6.

I weighed in yesterday morning - exact same weight was I was on Day 1.  I weighed in this morning.  Exact same weight.  I'm beginning to think my scale is broken.

I put make-up on, finished getting ready (minus clothes) and weighed myself again.  This time - 172.  I'm taking it.  Even though I am highly suspicious of the number, I am owning the weight.

So, in 9 days, I have managed to lose 0.8 pounds.  Considering that I was over my calorie range 3+ days out of 9, I think this is a pretty great feat.

I was trying to determine, this weekend, what my problem was!  Why was I feeling panicked about junk food - I wanted and felt I NEEDED to binge.  Why?  What the hell was so different?  Was it because I got a "taste" of the carb life and wanted it all back?! 

Or, had I just lost my focus? 

I was fearing it was the former and that I would have to do a master cleanse of some sort to rid my diet of carbs and all things sugar (fake or not).  But, after Sunday, I think it all comes down to focus.

During the first phase, I marked up my calendar with a count down and marked the days off as I successfully completed them.  For some reason, I stopped doing that this phase.  Phase I I also thought of as "only 17 days - I can 'try' anything for 17 days".  I thought of this as an experiment that I would test out - if it was successful and effective - great!  If not, at least I learned some new recipes and meal plan ideas.

For some reason, in Phase II, my mindset got all screwed up.  Instead of thinking of it as "just 17 days", and an "experiment" I was working on, I started to dread the fact that this was going to be the rest of my life.  I started mourning the loss of yummy, albeit dangerously unhealthy, foods and I started to get obstinate.  The crazy person in my head threw a temper tantrum and my reasonable side gave in.  I started with the mentality of "I don't want to do this!"; "I want to eat what I want!"; etc.  All the while, reasonable and sane Jenn was thinking "why do I keep self sabotaging myself?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I keep doing this every time I get to this weight?!"

I've noticed a pattern in the last year+ with my weight loss.  Every time I have gotten to this weight - I start to become lax in my eating, logging food, etc.  It happened to me in October when I reached this weight.  It happened in March when I reached this weight, and it's happening again.  What is with this number?!  I worked very hard to get to this weight.  And I have A LONG way to go to get to the weight that I think I'll feel comfortable at - but for some reason I start to get comfortable with this weight and start to get lax.  I'm not in maintenance!  I'm far from it!  Yet, in my mind, my journey is not as important, for some reason.  Very interesting to me. 

I'd appreciate insight if you have any ideas or thoughts about self-sabotage.

So, to get back on track on Sunday, I decided to create a menu plan, go grocery shopping, and plan my week out.  I also started focusing on the fact that this was "just an experiment" and it was "only for 17 days".  I started counting down on the calendar.  And these mini challenges seem to have helped me get it all back on track.

Well, except for the white cheddar popcorn I ate for snack today.  Definitely not on plan.  But, the calories have been logged, and are included in the numbers above.  No biggie.  It's life, right?  Popcorn happens.  :)

So, I'm feeling motivated - once again.  I am determined to get down to 168 by June 22 (the end of Phase II) - that's just 4 pounds away.  And I feel like I can do it!

It's really hard for me to give an honest opinion of the weight loss speed in Phase II because my first week was atypical.  I'm hoping that this next week will prove to be more representative of the weight loss in the 2nd phase of the plan.  :)

Happy Wednesday to all!

cheater cheaty mccheaterson

So, I cheated yesterday, and sort of today.

Yesterday, you are all aware of my scone cheat.

Then, I decided to continue with the illegal eating spree!  I had two pieces of cheeseless pizza at work (it was Pizza Day!).  I had the best intentions of getting back on board and eating a healthy dinner.  My emotions got the best of me and that turned into dinner from Taco Bell, followed by homemade ice cream sundaes with pound cake, bananas, fudge sauce, peanuts and whipped cream.

This morning I was semi-determined to get back on board.  So, I had my iced coffee this morning.  Then, I got into a fight with Josh.  And I got an iced grande non-fat caramel macchiato.  And then I decided to get back to it.  I made the mock french toast for breakfast.  I slightly burned the apples, and then overcooked the rest, so it was less than satisfying as food.  Afterwards, I was still kind of hungry.

I ran errands with my mom, we talked about the plan, she complimented me on how good I looked, and we got home at around 3ish.  I proceeded to break into a bag of cheetos and cheese popcorn.  And ate 3 squares of Ghiradelli chocolate.

I don't know what my problem is!  I really want to do this plan - I really want to lose the weight because I know I have a LONG way to go.

But, I am losing motivation to stay on track and reach my goals.  :(  I am not motivated to eat foods on plan because they are not emotionally satisfying.  They are blech.  I am not motivated to do anything.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!!!  I need to get off this cheating spree and get back on plan!!!!

Ok, tomorrow - I will do it all tomorrow!  Tomorrow I will have scrambled eggs with veggies, and yogurt with fruit for breakfast.  Lunch will be faux tacos in lettuce wraps.  And dinner will be oven baked chicken kabobs!  Snack will be a kefir smoothie, and/or a blended vanilla coffee drink with almond milk.

I'm feeling my meal planning mojo return!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I think I'm going to run to the grocery store in a bit.  YAY MEAL PLANNING!

Off the wagon.

So, I chose to fall off the wagon this weekend. 

Sunday, I had sunflower seeds, chocolate goldfish (instead of cheese), peanut M&Ms, mini snickers, shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, a cheeseburger ON A BUN, macaroni salad, AND potato chips.

Today, I had waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast.  More sunflower seeds.  And an awesome evening meal of pizza, followed by chocolate cake.

And I have enjoyed every morsel and EVERY bite.  This is what happens when I deny myself - I gorge.  Stupid gorging.

I had planned to get back on track today, after last night's food debauchery.  That did not happen.  So, then I thought - after breakfast.  That did not happen.  So, then, I thought - TOMORROW!  It's the end of a 3 day weekend that I desperately needed.  I have to get back to the real world tomorrow - which includes responsibilities such as cooking, and meal planning.  So, tomorrow it's BACK to the board.

Since I had two days of debauchery - I'm adding two-three days to the Phase I portion.  Dr. Moreno says you don't have to start over at Day I if you fall off the wagon, and although I'm tempted - I'm just going to add a few more days to try to cleanse some of the junk out. 

I'm feeling a lot of things right now.  Human.  Disappointed.  Happy.  Sick.  Angry.

Human.

I am human - I cannot be perfect.  I live life and I falter.  I am faced with temptations, and sometimes I give in.  I wanted to give in on Saturday - at the wedding - with bread and pie and potatoes.  But I remained strong...but that urge to give in has been bubbling to the surface and I had a feeling it would rear it's ugly head at me.  And - it did.  And I'm human.  So, I deal with it.

So, my weight loss is going to be slowed down a bit - and I'm honestly terrified to find out how much it's going to be thrown off.  Because I have worked SO HARD.  SO INCREDIBLY HARD.  I've posted how difficult this journey has been - you are all aware.  And I would be heartbroken if I found out that I've thrown it all away in 2 days.  Really hoping it's not the case.

Disappointed.

Disappointed that I have worked so hard and I chose to give in to my weakness.  I could have stayed strong.  I could have stuck to it.  But, I was weak and I gave in.  And I'm disappointed in myself.  I had made it through 2 weeks of the plan!  YAY!  But, I faltered.  Goes back to the support of the fact that I am human. 

Disappointed that I have to start over with the 21 day habit cycle - I didn't break myself of the carb cravings.  I gave in to them - 2 weeks in.  I only had one more week to go to get there - and I gave in!!!!  DAMN ME!

Disappointed that I worked so hard to get rid of the fake stuff.  My body was getting healthy.  And I just put more of that shit into it.  Now, I feel like I do need to start over to continue the cleansing.  I am no longer clean.

Happy.

Happy that I tasted wonderful food - buttered buns, potato chips, saltiness, sweetness, candy, chocolate.  DELICIOUSNESS!

Sick.

Did I not mention everything I have eaten?  You would be sick too!!!!  ICK in my tummy.  But happiness too!!!! ICK and HAPPY!

Angry.

Angry that I broke my awesome streak.  Angry that I'm not stronger.  Angry that I'm weak.  Angry that I'm human.  Angry that food won the battle in this war of the will.  Will it always win?  Is this my way of resigning myself to the fact that I will always be fat?  Always be ruled by food?  Am I conceding?

No.  My resolve is stronger than ever.  Maybe I need to have a gluttonous weekend every two weeks on this journey to allow myself to refocus?  I feel gross right now.  I felt like a rock star on the plan.  This is a journey.  This is not a race (even though I'd like it to be).  This is my life.  Cake happens and I will give in.  And that's ok.

I have the rest of my life to get this right, I suppose.  It's hard because I want to be thin now.  I want to be skinny now.  I want to be desirable and attractive NOW.  But, this is a learning process.  I didn't gain all this weight overnight.  I'm not going to lose it all overnight. 

So, here is the plan:

Tomorrow - breakfast is my kefir smoothie with green tea.  Iced coffee and eggs for snack.  Cabbage casserole for lunch.  Baby carrots for afternoon snack.  Fizza (faux pizza) for dinner. 

And instead of ending this cycle on Thursday and starting Phase II...I will be starting Phase II on Saturday.  Hmmm...I was thinking I would weigh myself on Saturday.  But, I don't think that's enough cushion time to get rid of the debauchery from this weekend.  So, I'm going to extend Phase I through Sunday.  I will start Phase II on Monday - June 4th. 

n one week - I will start Phase II.  So, I'm extending this cycle by 4 days (that should be enough time to get rid of two days of debauchery - I hope). 

So, phase II officially starts Monday, June 4th.  I will not weigh myself until Monday, June 4th.  It will be the start of a new week and a new phase in life.  :)  And I will work EXTREMELY hard this week to ensure I am on plan 100%!!!

No pork rinds.  No cheese (other than fat free feta).  No sausage.  No fruits after 2pm!  100% ON plan!  I can do this!  I am ready for this challenge! 

Back on the wagon again my friends!  Here's to another week of cleansing myself!  YAY!!!!  This is going to be wonderful!  I am very excited!

Failure.

So, I must preface the below blog with the following:  It is EXTREMELY negative.  I was in a shame spiral and in a very negative mood.  It is a definite downer and in no way shape or form positive.  You have been warned.  :)

The count down is on.  The last day of Phase I is in 4 days (Wednesday).

I'm feeling quite a few things right now.  I'm disappointed in myself, and angry with myself.  I "cheated" yesterday (Saturday) and I went off plan on Friday.

Friday, I was really craving chips.  So, I got the idea to eat pork rinds - they're carb free!  They're high in fat, and probably not the best for my health, but they're crunchy and carb free.  Phase I has low fat as the key - and I did not eat low fat.  Then, Friday night, instead of making the Fizza (faux pizza) I was planning on, I ordered coconut thai soup with chicken and panang curry with shrimp and asparagus.  All not on the plan of Phase I.  Still, low carb, but NOT appropriate for Phase I.  I failed.  I failed.  I screwed it up and didn't follow the plan appropriately - and now my path is marred.  Marred by error and failure.  I feel horrible.  I feel pathetic.  I can't even follow a plan for SEVENTEEN DAYS!  It wasn't even 17 days - it was about 10 or 11 days...I can't follow a plan for for TEN DAYS!  What the hell is WRONG with me?!

I feel like such a loser.

Yesterday, I tried to be good, stay on plan.  I went to a wedding yesterday.  And I wasn't planning on going off plan, but I did.  Josh got me a mango, ginger, lemon drop.  And he said I didn't have to drink it.  But, I did.  I really wanted it, and so I drank it.  I drank every ounce of that thing.

I passed up the bread, mashed potatoes, and left the wedding before they served dessert because I wanted to give in.  But, that drink was a fail.

Then, I got home after the wedding, entered my food, and realized I had only eaten about 850 calories.  And I was hungry (no wonder).  But I did not want to cook anything - and I didn't want to heat up the cabbage casserole thing I made.  And Josh made popcorn.  With butter.  So, I ate it.  I ate approximately 6 cups of buttery popcorn.  I am such a failure!!!!!!!  :(

I realize that I'm being extremely negative and extremely down.  And I realize that I should be positive and send goodness out into the world - but I am extremely depressed right now, so I'm focusing on all the negatives.  Logically, I know, by putting negatives out there I'm creating a negative cycle.

But, I am extremely down and right now it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  i feel like I'm in a dark hole...and I can see the top of it...and I can see the light outside...but i can't get to it.  I can't reach it.

This morning, Josh and I left town and are staying in a cabin in the woods with his family and friends.  I am surrounded by temptation - brownies, chips, peanut m&ms (my fav), popcorn, peanut butter, jelly, bread.  I want to give in SO badly.  I already feel like shit, and am feeling pretty hopeless about this weight loss journey at this time, but I feel like a loser and a failure already - and I know that giving in would make me feel even worse.

This morning, Josh made breakfast.  He made me an omelet with chicken sausage and cheddar.  Chicken sausage and cheddar = not allowed.

Did not even drink 1L of water yesterday.  And I'm behind on water today.

Oh, and tomorrow - we're having strawberry waffles for breakfast.  I.  LOVE.  WAFFLES.  My FAVORITE!  This whole time I have craved and desired waffles, breads, pastries.  I want a fricken pancake dammit!  But, I will remain strong.  I will have yogurt and strawberries for breakfast.  :)  And coffee with my acidophilus milk.  And i will be good.  Because I'm tired of being fat!!!!!

I'm tired of looking disgusting in pictures.  I'm tired of looking disgusting in clothes.  No one wants to marry a fat girl.  No one wants to start a family with a fat girl.  I have to lose weight to have a future. 

My weigh in is technically tomorrow, but I'll be at the cabin, so that's not going to happen.  I'll weigh in on Tuesday.

I weighed in on Saturday and am only down .2 pounds from my weigh in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's because I cheated Friday night, or because my weight loss is going to naturally slow down, but it has contributed to my sadness.

Although, last night, at the wedding, I felt that I looked like a bombshell - if I do say so myself.  However, as the evening went on, the more I caught glimpses of myself, I realized that I have a really long way to go before I can consider myself a bombshell.  Like at least 60 more pounds.  It feels pretty hopeless.  It feels hopeless to have lost 7 pounds, in such a short time, and realize that it's just a drop in the bucket.  A very large bucket, and a very small drop.

This isn't where I imagined my life to be.  But, nothing has ever gone the way I thought it would go.  I should just realize that life will go it's own way and I should just go with it and enjoy the ride.  I need to learn to accept.  Accept everything - it is what it is.

I don't feel like I can give an accurate representation of the 17 day diet because I haven't been following it.  I feel like the experiment was a failure already.

I'm sorry.  I'll still keep up with the plan, and will post all my results, good or bad.  And please just know that my results are not an accurate representation of the 17 day diet, phase I because I screwed up.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!  Take care all!