Give Up.

I'm giving up.

I haven't lost a single ounce in the last 2 weeks.  I took my measurements this morning and they're the same as they were almost 17 days ago, when I finished Phase I.  Apparently I am only able to lose weight in Phase I.  Not a complete failure on the part of the plan.  A failure on my part.

I'm tired of eating like a bird (although technically it's not true b/c birds eat multiple times their weight in food, but alas) and not losing weight.  I'm tired of the meal plans.  I'm tired of it all.

I do like how my clothes fit.  So, it's not a give up forever.

Just for now.  I am thinking on Saturday I will start Phase I all over again.

But for now, I don't have the energy to fight it anymore.

What the what?!

Ok - I am convinced that my scale is broken.  Oh, and so is Josh's scale.  Because they both say the SAME weight...and it's been a WEEK!!!!  No weight loss in a week!  GRRRR.  ARRRGGGH.  My previous post of the drop in 0.8 lbs was apparently just wishful thinking (which is what I figured since it was my 3rd weigh in that morning in approximately 5 minutes, in my attempt to force the scale into giving me a better reading) - because the rest of the week my weight has ben 172.8 and 172.6 today (Josh's scale). 

On the plus side - my clothes are fitting fabulously!  My jeans are falling off of me.  But the scale will NOT budge.  I even drank over 12 glasses of water yesterday to try to get it to budge this morning - nothing.  LAMENESS!!!!  So frustrating.

No idea what is going on, and it's starting to chip away at my resolve to eat like a good girl.  Especially because today is "Birthday Donuts" day at work.  Yes, there are currently boxes and boxes of delicious donuts in the office kitchen...all waiting for consumption by eager mouths and salivary glands.  Alas, I am fighting the temptation.  I will NOT give in to donut madness.  I will NOT cover myself in donut deliciousness and proceed to nibble away at myself throughout the day.  I will enjoy my oatmeal breakfast, chicken and green bean lunch, and my snack of carbMASTER yogurt.  And it will be even more delicious.  Because, tomorrow dammit, the scale will FRICKEN MOVE!!!!!  

Note the empty boxes.  Oh and the pretty view from the office kitchen!

Oh, and tonight I'm treating myself and going out for sushi.  Yes, it's NOT technically allowed, but here is how I'm justifying it:

A) Sushi is fish, which is good for you and contain essential amino acids and healthy fats.

B) Today is a "carb day" so I am allowed rice.  (Granted, only 1/2 C...it should be brown...and it should be consumed before 3pm today - ehhhh....).

C) Instead of having two pieces of fruit today, I am forgoing fruit in favor of the carbs in the sushi.  Oh, and the carbs in the tempura batter from the tempura roll I will be gorging on (photos to come later).

D) I probably should have planned this out better and forgone the oatmeal for breakfast in favor of something less carby, so make room for the carbs at dinner tonight...but OH WELL.  It is what it is!

E) I'm estimating on the calories (based on what my dear sparkpeople food diary says) for the rolls, and am staying within my calorie alotment.

F) I don't know why I started an F, I really don't have anything else to add.  But, here's an "F" anyway!



Updated photo of me at 172ish.



To help me stick to my plan and stay on track, I'm going to creat my menu plan for the rest of the week...JUST SEVEN MORE DAYS IN PHASE II!!!! 

BTW - I've figured out how to help prevent apathy towards sticking to the plan...anytime I feel like I'm looking GOOD and feeling proud of m weight loss - I'm going to take a picture of myself.  Inevitably, I am able to determine (from the photo) that I have a VERY long way to go (see photo left - I thought I looked AMAZING...I obviously have a LONG way to go).

So far, it's NOT looking good for my 5 lb weight loss by next week.  Eeeep!  Once again - it is what it is.  :)  I can only put in the work.  I cannot control the results (to a point).  I recently googled "weight loss stalling on 17 day diet" and after reading the following posting, I feel MUCH better about the weight loss stall: http://tksinclair.com/?p=343

Exercise.  I know - I should REALLY be exercising.  I think I'm very close to working up to it.  I find that the sunshine is a GREAT way to motivate me to get moving.  It looks pretty outside, and so many people are active and running around.  I want to do it too!  So, here is the tentative plan: on Monday, I'm going to bring my work out clothes to work.  And during my lunch break, I'm going to go for a walk.  And if I feel like it, I'm going to start my 20 minutes of 30/30 interval running (Galloway method: http://www.jeffgalloway.com/training/walk_breaks.html). 

No pressure.  But, the weather should be nice, and I have no excuse to take a 30 minute lunch break and get out of the office (I usually eat at my desk).  Hopefully this will move the weight loss along better.  On Tuesday, I'm going to bring my work out gear to work again, and I'm going to do the SAME thing.  And then, Tuesday night, I'm going to do a few strength training exercises as prescribed by Sparkpeople (http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/fitness2.asp).  And I'm going to do the same on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday with strength training on Sat (walking/running every day; strength training T/Th/Sat).

In fact, I think I might go for a walk/run tomorrow!  Just to get the blood flowing.  It's supposed to be a beautiful day.  I will see if I can locate the leashes/harnesses for Josh's dogs and I will take them out into the neighborhood for a jaunt - they will really like that.  YAY!  I'm feeling PUMPED!

On Sunday, Josh and I might go to the movies for father's day.  In which case, I will definitely be consuming popcorn.  And I will somehow have to figure out how to justify the astronomical calories for that one...

Phase II - Change of Attitude

So, I'm on Day 9 of Phase II.  And the first week was not so hot.

Part of me wants to have a "do-over" and extend Phase II by at least 3-4 days.  Another part of me wants the other part to relax and realize it's life.  Sometimes you plan to be perfect, and sometimes your plan goes to hell in a handbasket.  No biggie.  You pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. 

When I weighed in after Phase I, I was at 172.8.

I had a cheat day that day.  Avoided weigh in the next day.  Tried to stick to my plan, but the calorie ranges when something like this:
Day 1 (Phase II) - 1226;
Day 2 - 1424;
Day 3 - 1583;
Day 4 - 3297;
Day 5 - 1765;
Day 6 - 1022;
Day 7 - 1290;
Day 8 - 952;
Day 9 - 1294 (today - assuming I stick to my plans for dinner and snacks)

Average overall calories consumed - 1539.22 (slightly UNDER my maximum calorie range for the day - assuming the range is calculated correctly - however this is NOT including my cheat day the day before I started Phase II).  This is WAY too high for my taste.

I went over calories on Day 3...completely cheated on Day 4, sort of cheated on Day 5, and brought it all back to center by Day 6.

I weighed in yesterday morning - exact same weight was I was on Day 1.  I weighed in this morning.  Exact same weight.  I'm beginning to think my scale is broken.

I put make-up on, finished getting ready (minus clothes) and weighed myself again.  This time - 172.  I'm taking it.  Even though I am highly suspicious of the number, I am owning the weight.

So, in 9 days, I have managed to lose 0.8 pounds.  Considering that I was over my calorie range 3+ days out of 9, I think this is a pretty great feat.

I was trying to determine, this weekend, what my problem was!  Why was I feeling panicked about junk food - I wanted and felt I NEEDED to binge.  Why?  What the hell was so different?  Was it because I got a "taste" of the carb life and wanted it all back?! 

Or, had I just lost my focus? 

I was fearing it was the former and that I would have to do a master cleanse of some sort to rid my diet of carbs and all things sugar (fake or not).  But, after Sunday, I think it all comes down to focus.

During the first phase, I marked up my calendar with a count down and marked the days off as I successfully completed them.  For some reason, I stopped doing that this phase.  Phase I I also thought of as "only 17 days - I can 'try' anything for 17 days".  I thought of this as an experiment that I would test out - if it was successful and effective - great!  If not, at least I learned some new recipes and meal plan ideas.

For some reason, in Phase II, my mindset got all screwed up.  Instead of thinking of it as "just 17 days", and an "experiment" I was working on, I started to dread the fact that this was going to be the rest of my life.  I started mourning the loss of yummy, albeit dangerously unhealthy, foods and I started to get obstinate.  The crazy person in my head threw a temper tantrum and my reasonable side gave in.  I started with the mentality of "I don't want to do this!"; "I want to eat what I want!"; etc.  All the while, reasonable and sane Jenn was thinking "why do I keep self sabotaging myself?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I keep doing this every time I get to this weight?!"

I've noticed a pattern in the last year+ with my weight loss.  Every time I have gotten to this weight - I start to become lax in my eating, logging food, etc.  It happened to me in October when I reached this weight.  It happened in March when I reached this weight, and it's happening again.  What is with this number?!  I worked very hard to get to this weight.  And I have A LONG way to go to get to the weight that I think I'll feel comfortable at - but for some reason I start to get comfortable with this weight and start to get lax.  I'm not in maintenance!  I'm far from it!  Yet, in my mind, my journey is not as important, for some reason.  Very interesting to me. 

I'd appreciate insight if you have any ideas or thoughts about self-sabotage.

So, to get back on track on Sunday, I decided to create a menu plan, go grocery shopping, and plan my week out.  I also started focusing on the fact that this was "just an experiment" and it was "only for 17 days".  I started counting down on the calendar.  And these mini challenges seem to have helped me get it all back on track.

Well, except for the white cheddar popcorn I ate for snack today.  Definitely not on plan.  But, the calories have been logged, and are included in the numbers above.  No biggie.  It's life, right?  Popcorn happens.  :)

So, I'm feeling motivated - once again.  I am determined to get down to 168 by June 22 (the end of Phase II) - that's just 4 pounds away.  And I feel like I can do it!

It's really hard for me to give an honest opinion of the weight loss speed in Phase II because my first week was atypical.  I'm hoping that this next week will prove to be more representative of the weight loss in the 2nd phase of the plan.  :)

Happy Wednesday to all!

cheater cheaty mccheaterson

So, I cheated yesterday, and sort of today.

Yesterday, you are all aware of my scone cheat.

Then, I decided to continue with the illegal eating spree!  I had two pieces of cheeseless pizza at work (it was Pizza Day!).  I had the best intentions of getting back on board and eating a healthy dinner.  My emotions got the best of me and that turned into dinner from Taco Bell, followed by homemade ice cream sundaes with pound cake, bananas, fudge sauce, peanuts and whipped cream.

This morning I was semi-determined to get back on board.  So, I had my iced coffee this morning.  Then, I got into a fight with Josh.  And I got an iced grande non-fat caramel macchiato.  And then I decided to get back to it.  I made the mock french toast for breakfast.  I slightly burned the apples, and then overcooked the rest, so it was less than satisfying as food.  Afterwards, I was still kind of hungry.

I ran errands with my mom, we talked about the plan, she complimented me on how good I looked, and we got home at around 3ish.  I proceeded to break into a bag of cheetos and cheese popcorn.  And ate 3 squares of Ghiradelli chocolate.

I don't know what my problem is!  I really want to do this plan - I really want to lose the weight because I know I have a LONG way to go.

But, I am losing motivation to stay on track and reach my goals.  :(  I am not motivated to eat foods on plan because they are not emotionally satisfying.  They are blech.  I am not motivated to do anything.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!!!  I need to get off this cheating spree and get back on plan!!!!

Ok, tomorrow - I will do it all tomorrow!  Tomorrow I will have scrambled eggs with veggies, and yogurt with fruit for breakfast.  Lunch will be faux tacos in lettuce wraps.  And dinner will be oven baked chicken kabobs!  Snack will be a kefir smoothie, and/or a blended vanilla coffee drink with almond milk.

I'm feeling my meal planning mojo return!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I think I'm going to run to the grocery store in a bit.  YAY MEAL PLANNING!

scone.

I just ate a scone. 

And I enjoyed all 68 grams of carbs, 18 grams of fat, and 420 calories of it.





Starbucks Blueberry Scone (not actual scone consumed)



It had blueberries and therefore antioxidental (is that a word?) properties. 

I'm not going to feel guilty.

It was delicious.

Just thought I should keep you all in the loop.

Faltering.

I started Phase II this week after one day of debauchery ("D" Day).  Oh boy was it debaucherous!  EEP!  Anyhow...on Monday ("D" Day), I spent about an hour going through recipes, making a grocery list, and coming up with this week's meal plan. 

Tuesday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and for dinner I made Yak (as in from the bovine family) meatloaf with veggies (will post picture later - it's on my laptop which I am not on currently).  It was...different.  Yak meat is a VERY lean meat (think beef flavored ground turkey).  I thought the meatloaf would be good, but it was very dry.  It also has a somewhat gamey taste - but not too bad.  Must experiment with yak recipes....

I also planned to have chicken salads over lettuce greens for lunch on Wednesday and Friday, so Tuesday night (after dinner), I put two organic chicken breasts (which cost me about $10!!! - but you get what you pay for, and paying less results in less nutrition and health, so there you go) in the oven after seasoning with olive oil and herbs (garlic powder, basil, sage, etc.).  After they were done, I cut them up into squares, added chopped apple, diced celery, greek yogurt, and curry powder.  I mixed it all up, and put it into two tupperware - lunch for Wednesday and Friday.

Wednesday, I had my fruit smoothie for breakfast, followed by my chicken salad for lunch, and then dinner was supposed to be fish tacos over cabbage (minus the taco shell/wrap).  But, I was supposed to stay at Josh's that night, and I had to go home after work, grab all my groceries that I would need for the next 4-5 days, my clothes, my laptop, etc. and then turn around and drive the 45 minutes back to Josh's - all in rush hour traffic BOTH WAYS.  So, although I left the office at 4:30, live less then 20 minutes away from work, got to my place at 5:30 because there was an accident along the way involving a pickup truck and a motorcycle.  Got home and threw everything into the car, turned around and headed back out - only to be slowed down by the stupid truck/motorcycle accident again - and got back on the freeway to head to Josh's, and ended up in his neighborhood around 6:30.  I still needed to make the actual tacos, and get everything going - which would have meant dinner would be ready around 7:30ish.  And I was in a bad mood from spending 2 hours in traffic.  And I was STARVING.

So, I stopped at Wendy's and picked up two salads for us.  Not exactly on plan - but better than two giant cheeseburgers and a milkshake - which I TOTALLY could have gone for.

Additionally - after dinner (which I scarfed down) I had to make breakfast for the next day which was going to be potato pancakes with applesauce and greek yogurt.  So, I totally could have made dinner and stayed on plan.  But, my frustration level and irritation level was at an all time high.  I just couldn't do it.  I needed food in my belly and I needed it NOW.

And then, I continued on my "not exactly on plan" streak.  That night, I was still awake at midnight - because I just couldn't sleep.  And I was HUNGRY.  My tummy wanted FOOD (probably because of the stupid fruit on the stupid salad - but it was the lowest calorie salad option!).  So, I gave in and had a bowl of Fiber One Honey Oat clusters cereal with my acidophilus milk.  Definitely NOT on plan (a. it was not a "carb" day; b. it was WAY after 2pm and c. NOT an allowable carb!). 

Thursday I had the potato pancakes with applesauce and greek yogurt for breakfast, followed by leftover meatloaf and veggies for lunch...followed by a bag of BBQ kettle potato chips (definitely NOT on plan).  I was starving for dinner (big surprise), and we had to pick Josh's daughter up from an appointment at 6:30, so we went to a bar for dinner (they have a great happy hour - NOT on plan foods - yet again!).  I really wanted the kung pao calamari.  But, I got the basil chicken breast (about 3-4 oz of chicken served over sushi rice with some veggies and a sweet chili sauce).  I ate the chicken and veggies and tried my best to avoid the rice.  I ended up eating 2 or 3 bites of the rice (ACK!).  Josh also ordered crab and shrimp bruschetta.  Which I had a piece of.  OMG SO GOOD.

We got home at 7:15ish.  And by 8, I was HUNGRY again.  So, instead of drinking a big bottle of water and trying to call it good, or having a yogurt and downing some water, I wanted the cereal again.  So, yet again, I had a bowl of the Fiber One cereal again.  And then, all was well with the world.  I drank the rest of my water, and I felt better.  I ended up eating over 1550 calories yesterday!!!  :(

The problem is I am beating myself up for my slip ups.  In my head they are GIANT.  On phase I I found it HARD to reach the minimum 1200 calories.  I would have to add olive oil to things I wouldn't normally (like sauteed veggies), to ensure I was getting my calories up and getting adequate fat.  And with the addition of the carbs, I don't have a problem meeting the 1200 calorie range.  I also don't have a problem with meeting any other nutrient ranges (fat, carbs, protein).  And it bothers me.  I felt so proud that I was able to eat between 1000-1300 calories and survive.  Although I had cravings, I wasn't starving.  I wasn't really ever hungry.

And now, I'm hungry.  A LOT.  And I'm going WAY over the 1200 calories.  :(

And I feel guilty.  And I have a weigh in on Monday and I'm scared.  I feel like it's going to be a bad result.  I'm trying to focus on the positive - my clothes fit great, I'm getting compliments from my friends and family, I'm proud of my hard work.

I think part of the problem is Josh.  Every time I go over to his place, or go out to eat with him, I give in to my temptations.  It is really hard to be on plan with someone who is not.  He also has VERY yummy food at his place (I have gotten rid of everything tempting at mine).  Additionally, I am very easily talked out of making dinner or doing anything for pre-planning of my meals when I am with him. 

In fact, when we started this journey - that he went off of after the first or second day - hence the lack of posts by him, the first week I was at my place and was fine.  The second week of the plan, I went off script a bit - a lot - because I was at his place.  The solution - avoid his place.  It's too tempting and detrimental to my waistline. 

So, here I am - Friday morning.  I find my resolve to stick to the plan faltering.  I want to get a cheesy bagel breakfast sandwich.  I want teriyaki chicken over brown rice and veggies for lunch.  I want to go to the movies and have popcorn.  I don't want to drink my kefir smoothie for breakfast, eat my chicken salad over greens for lunch, or eat the fish tacos I have pushed off to tonight for dinner.

I am determined to be on plan though. 

I'll keep you posted...

PHASE 1 Results!

Ok - I promised them.  The before and the after.  I am mortified by the before, but it is what it is, right?

Ok....here they go.  I apologize for the poor quality of the "before"s.  My camera battery was dead and I had to use my cell camera - which bites. But, you get the gist of the photos....I made sure to wear the exact same thing in the photos so you can compare them.  I apologize that they're not at the same distance/angle.

BEFORE (May 14, 2012)....

Front view (05.14.12)

Side view (05.14.12)

AFTER (June 4, 2012)....

Front view (06.04.12)

Side view (06.04.12)

After 17 days of following the diet:

Here are the stats....

Total weight change: -9.2
Inches
Thigh: -1"
Hips: -1.75"
Waist: -4.5"
Chest/Breasts: -2.5"/-.75"
Arm: -.5"
Total Inches Lost: 11"

I would say it's a victory!  Today was my "cheat day" - decided to take a cheat day so that I don't lose my bananas.  Back on track and starting Phase II tomorrow...

Breakfast is oatmeal, blueberries, agave syrup, and milk.

Lunch is a kefir smoothie with strawberries and cherries.

Dinner is going to be...crap, I have no idea...oh yeah - meatloaf with yak meat.  :)

We shall see what the next 17 days brings us!  CHEERS!