Sunday, May 27, 2012

Failure.

So, I must preface the below blog with the following:  It is EXTREMELY negative.  I was in a shame spiral and in a very negative mood.  It is a definite downer and in no way shape or form positive.  You have been warned.  :)

The count down is on.  The last day of Phase I is in 4 days (Wednesday).

I'm feeling quite a few things right now.  I'm disappointed in myself, and angry with myself.  I "cheated" yesterday (Saturday) and I went off plan on Friday.

Friday, I was really craving chips.  So, I got the idea to eat pork rinds - they're carb free!  They're high in fat, and probably not the best for my health, but they're crunchy and carb free.  Phase I has low fat as the key - and I did not eat low fat.  Then, Friday night, instead of making the Fizza (faux pizza) I was planning on, I ordered coconut thai soup with chicken and panang curry with shrimp and asparagus.  All not on the plan of Phase I.  Still, low carb, but NOT appropriate for Phase I.  I failed.  I failed.  I screwed it up and didn't follow the plan appropriately - and now my path is marred.  Marred by error and failure.  I feel horrible.  I feel pathetic.  I can't even follow a plan for SEVENTEEN DAYS!  It wasn't even 17 days - it was about 10 or 11 days...I can't follow a plan for for TEN DAYS!  What the hell is WRONG with me?!

I feel like such a loser.

Yesterday, I tried to be good, stay on plan.  I went to a wedding yesterday.  And I wasn't planning on going off plan, but I did.  Josh got me a mango, ginger, lemon drop.  And he said I didn't have to drink it.  But, I did.  I really wanted it, and so I drank it.  I drank every ounce of that thing.

I passed up the bread, mashed potatoes, and left the wedding before they served dessert because I wanted to give in.  But, that drink was a fail.

Then, I got home after the wedding, entered my food, and realized I had only eaten about 850 calories.  And I was hungry (no wonder).  But I did not want to cook anything - and I didn't want to heat up the cabbage casserole thing I made.  And Josh made popcorn.  With butter.  So, I ate it.  I ate approximately 6 cups of buttery popcorn.  I am such a failure!!!!!!!  :(

I realize that I'm being extremely negative and extremely down.  And I realize that I should be positive and send goodness out into the world - but I am extremely depressed right now, so I'm focusing on all the negatives.  Logically, I know, by putting negatives out there I'm creating a negative cycle.

But, I am extremely down and right now it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  i feel like I'm in a dark hole...and I can see the top of it...and I can see the light outside...but i can't get to it.  I can't reach it.

This morning, Josh and I left town and are staying in a cabin in the woods with his family and friends.  I am surrounded by temptation - brownies, chips, peanut m&ms (my fav), popcorn, peanut butter, jelly, bread.  I want to give in SO badly.  I already feel like shit, and am feeling pretty hopeless about this weight loss journey at this time, but I feel like a loser and a failure already - and I know that giving in would make me feel even worse.

This morning, Josh made breakfast.  He made me an omelet with chicken sausage and cheddar.  Chicken sausage and cheddar = not allowed.

Did not even drink 1L of water yesterday.  And I'm behind on water today.

Oh, and tomorrow - we're having strawberry waffles for breakfast.  I.  LOVE.  WAFFLES.  My FAVORITE!  This whole time I have craved and desired waffles, breads, pastries.  I want a fricken pancake dammit!  But, I will remain strong.  I will have yogurt and strawberries for breakfast.  :)  And coffee with my acidophilus milk.  And i will be good.  Because I'm tired of being fat!!!!!

I'm tired of looking disgusting in pictures.  I'm tired of looking disgusting in clothes.  No one wants to marry a fat girl.  No one wants to start a family with a fat girl.  I have to lose weight to have a future. 

My weigh in is technically tomorrow, but I'll be at the cabin, so that's not going to happen.  I'll weigh in on Tuesday.

I weighed in on Saturday and am only down .2 pounds from my weigh in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's because I cheated Friday night, or because my weight loss is going to naturally slow down, but it has contributed to my sadness.

Although, last night, at the wedding, I felt that I looked like a bombshell - if I do say so myself.  However, as the evening went on, the more I caught glimpses of myself, I realized that I have a really long way to go before I can consider myself a bombshell.  Like at least 60 more pounds.  It feels pretty hopeless.  It feels hopeless to have lost 7 pounds, in such a short time, and realize that it's just a drop in the bucket.  A very large bucket, and a very small drop.

This isn't where I imagined my life to be.  But, nothing has ever gone the way I thought it would go.  I should just realize that life will go it's own way and I should just go with it and enjoy the ride.  I need to learn to accept.  Accept everything - it is what it is.

I don't feel like I can give an accurate representation of the 17 day diet because I haven't been following it.  I feel like the experiment was a failure already.

I'm sorry.  I'll still keep up with the plan, and will post all my results, good or bad.  And please just know that my results are not an accurate representation of the 17 day diet, phase I because I screwed up.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!  Take care all!

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