Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Give Up.

I'm giving up.

I haven't lost a single ounce in the last 2 weeks.  I took my measurements this morning and they're the same as they were almost 17 days ago, when I finished Phase I.  Apparently I am only able to lose weight in Phase I.  Not a complete failure on the part of the plan.  A failure on my part.

I'm tired of eating like a bird (although technically it's not true b/c birds eat multiple times their weight in food, but alas) and not losing weight.  I'm tired of the meal plans.  I'm tired of it all.

I do like how my clothes fit.  So, it's not a give up forever.

Just for now.  I am thinking on Saturday I will start Phase I all over again.

But for now, I don't have the energy to fight it anymore.

Friday, June 15, 2012

What the what?!

Ok - I am convinced that my scale is broken.  Oh, and so is Josh's scale.  Because they both say the SAME weight...and it's been a WEEK!!!!  No weight loss in a week!  GRRRR.  ARRRGGGH.  My previous post of the drop in 0.8 lbs was apparently just wishful thinking (which is what I figured since it was my 3rd weigh in that morning in approximately 5 minutes, in my attempt to force the scale into giving me a better reading) - because the rest of the week my weight has ben 172.8 and 172.6 today (Josh's scale). 

On the plus side - my clothes are fitting fabulously!  My jeans are falling off of me.  But the scale will NOT budge.  I even drank over 12 glasses of water yesterday to try to get it to budge this morning - nothing.  LAMENESS!!!!  So frustrating.

No idea what is going on, and it's starting to chip away at my resolve to eat like a good girl.  Especially because today is "Birthday Donuts" day at work.  Yes, there are currently boxes and boxes of delicious donuts in the office kitchen...all waiting for consumption by eager mouths and salivary glands.  Alas, I am fighting the temptation.  I will NOT give in to donut madness.  I will NOT cover myself in donut deliciousness and proceed to nibble away at myself throughout the day.  I will enjoy my oatmeal breakfast, chicken and green bean lunch, and my snack of carbMASTER yogurt.  And it will be even more delicious.  Because, tomorrow dammit, the scale will FRICKEN MOVE!!!!!  
Note the empty boxes.  Oh and the pretty view from the office kitchen!

Oh, and tonight I'm treating myself and going out for sushi.  Yes, it's NOT technically allowed, but here is how I'm justifying it:

A) Sushi is fish, which is good for you and contain essential amino acids and healthy fats.

B) Today is a "carb day" so I am allowed rice.  (Granted, only 1/2 C...it should be brown...and it should be consumed before 3pm today - ehhhh....).

C) Instead of having two pieces of fruit today, I am forgoing fruit in favor of the carbs in the sushi.  Oh, and the carbs in the tempura batter from the tempura roll I will be gorging on (photos to come later).

D) I probably should have planned this out better and forgone the oatmeal for breakfast in favor of something less carby, so make room for the carbs at dinner tonight...but OH WELL.  It is what it is!

E) I'm estimating on the calories (based on what my dear sparkpeople food diary says) for the rolls, and am staying within my calorie alotment.

F) I don't know why I started an F, I really don't have anything else to add.  But, here's an "F" anyway!

Updated photo of me at 172ish.

To help me stick to my plan and stay on track, I'm going to creat my menu plan for the rest of the week...JUST SEVEN MORE DAYS IN PHASE II!!!! 

BTW - I've figured out how to help prevent apathy towards sticking to the plan...anytime I feel like I'm looking GOOD and feeling proud of m weight loss - I'm going to take a picture of myself.  Inevitably, I am able to determine (from the photo) that I have a VERY long way to go (see photo left - I thought I looked AMAZING...I obviously have a LONG way to go).

So far, it's NOT looking good for my 5 lb weight loss by next week.  Eeeep!  Once again - it is what it is.  :)  I can only put in the work.  I cannot control the results (to a point).  I recently googled "weight loss stalling on 17 day diet" and after reading the following posting, I feel MUCH better about the weight loss stall: http://tksinclair.com/?p=343

Exercise.  I know - I should REALLY be exercising.  I think I'm very close to working up to it.  I find that the sunshine is a GREAT way to motivate me to get moving.  It looks pretty outside, and so many people are active and running around.  I want to do it too!  So, here is the tentative plan: on Monday, I'm going to bring my work out clothes to work.  And during my lunch break, I'm going to go for a walk.  And if I feel like it, I'm going to start my 20 minutes of 30/30 interval running (Galloway method: http://www.jeffgalloway.com/training/walk_breaks.html). 

No pressure.  But, the weather should be nice, and I have no excuse to take a 30 minute lunch break and get out of the office (I usually eat at my desk).  Hopefully this will move the weight loss along better.  On Tuesday, I'm going to bring my work out gear to work again, and I'm going to do the SAME thing.  And then, Tuesday night, I'm going to do a few strength training exercises as prescribed by Sparkpeople (http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/fitness2.asp).  And I'm going to do the same on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday with strength training on Sat (walking/running every day; strength training T/Th/Sat).

In fact, I think I might go for a walk/run tomorrow!  Just to get the blood flowing.  It's supposed to be a beautiful day.  I will see if I can locate the leashes/harnesses for Josh's dogs and I will take them out into the neighborhood for a jaunt - they will really like that.  YAY!  I'm feeling PUMPED!

On Sunday, Josh and I might go to the movies for father's day.  In which case, I will definitely be consuming popcorn.  And I will somehow have to figure out how to justify the astronomical calories for that one...

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Phase II - Change of Attitude

So, I'm on Day 9 of Phase II.  And the first week was not so hot.

Part of me wants to have a "do-over" and extend Phase II by at least 3-4 days.  Another part of me wants the other part to relax and realize it's life.  Sometimes you plan to be perfect, and sometimes your plan goes to hell in a handbasket.  No biggie.  You pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move on. 

When I weighed in after Phase I, I was at 172.8.
I had a cheat day that day.  Avoided weigh in the next day.  Tried to stick to my plan, but the calorie ranges when something like this:
Day 1 (Phase II) - 1226;
Day 2 - 1424;
Day 3 - 1583;
Day 4 - 3297;
Day 5 - 1765;
Day 6 - 1022;
Day 7 - 1290;
Day 8 - 952;
Day 9 - 1294 (today - assuming I stick to my plans for dinner and snacks)

Average overall calories consumed - 1539.22 (slightly UNDER my maximum calorie range for the day - assuming the range is calculated correctly - however this is NOT including my cheat day the day before I started Phase II).  This is WAY too high for my taste.

I went over calories on Day 3...completely cheated on Day 4, sort of cheated on Day 5, and brought it all back to center by Day 6.

I weighed in yesterday morning - exact same weight was I was on Day 1.  I weighed in this morning.  Exact same weight.  I'm beginning to think my scale is broken.

I put make-up on, finished getting ready (minus clothes) and weighed myself again.  This time - 172.  I'm taking it.  Even though I am highly suspicious of the number, I am owning the weight.

So, in 9 days, I have managed to lose 0.8 pounds.  Considering that I was over my calorie range 3+ days out of 9, I think this is a pretty great feat.

I was trying to determine, this weekend, what my problem was!  Why was I feeling panicked about junk food - I wanted and felt I NEEDED to binge.  Why?  What the hell was so different?  Was it because I got a "taste" of the carb life and wanted it all back?! 

Or, had I just lost my focus? 

I was fearing it was the former and that I would have to do a master cleanse of some sort to rid my diet of carbs and all things sugar (fake or not).  But, after Sunday, I think it all comes down to focus.

During the first phase, I marked up my calendar with a count down and marked the days off as I successfully completed them.  For some reason, I stopped doing that this phase.  Phase I I also thought of as "only 17 days - I can 'try' anything for 17 days".  I thought of this as an experiment that I would test out - if it was successful and effective - great!  If not, at least I learned some new recipes and meal plan ideas.

For some reason, in Phase II, my mindset got all screwed up.  Instead of thinking of it as "just 17 days", and an "experiment" I was working on, I started to dread the fact that this was going to be the rest of my life.  I started mourning the loss of yummy, albeit dangerously unhealthy, foods and I started to get obstinate.  The crazy person in my head threw a temper tantrum and my reasonable side gave in.  I started with the mentality of "I don't want to do this!"; "I want to eat what I want!"; etc.  All the while, reasonable and sane Jenn was thinking "why do I keep self sabotaging myself?  What is wrong with me?  Why do I keep doing this every time I get to this weight?!"

I've noticed a pattern in the last year+ with my weight loss.  Every time I have gotten to this weight - I start to become lax in my eating, logging food, etc.  It happened to me in October when I reached this weight.  It happened in March when I reached this weight, and it's happening again.  What is with this number?!  I worked very hard to get to this weight.  And I have A LONG way to go to get to the weight that I think I'll feel comfortable at - but for some reason I start to get comfortable with this weight and start to get lax.  I'm not in maintenance!  I'm far from it!  Yet, in my mind, my journey is not as important, for some reason.  Very interesting to me. 

I'd appreciate insight if you have any ideas or thoughts about self-sabotage.

So, to get back on track on Sunday, I decided to create a menu plan, go grocery shopping, and plan my week out.  I also started focusing on the fact that this was "just an experiment" and it was "only for 17 days".  I started counting down on the calendar.  And these mini challenges seem to have helped me get it all back on track.

Well, except for the white cheddar popcorn I ate for snack today.  Definitely not on plan.  But, the calories have been logged, and are included in the numbers above.  No biggie.  It's life, right?  Popcorn happens.  :)

So, I'm feeling motivated - once again.  I am determined to get down to 168 by June 22 (the end of Phase II) - that's just 4 pounds away.  And I feel like I can do it!

It's really hard for me to give an honest opinion of the weight loss speed in Phase II because my first week was atypical.  I'm hoping that this next week will prove to be more representative of the weight loss in the 2nd phase of the plan.  :)

Happy Wednesday to all!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

cheater cheaty mccheaterson

So, I cheated yesterday, and sort of today.

Yesterday, you are all aware of my scone cheat.

Then, I decided to continue with the illegal eating spree!  I had two pieces of cheeseless pizza at work (it was Pizza Day!).  I had the best intentions of getting back on board and eating a healthy dinner.  My emotions got the best of me and that turned into dinner from Taco Bell, followed by homemade ice cream sundaes with pound cake, bananas, fudge sauce, peanuts and whipped cream.

This morning I was semi-determined to get back on board.  So, I had my iced coffee this morning.  Then, I got into a fight with Josh.  And I got an iced grande non-fat caramel macchiato.  And then I decided to get back to it.  I made the mock french toast for breakfast.  I slightly burned the apples, and then overcooked the rest, so it was less than satisfying as food.  Afterwards, I was still kind of hungry.

I ran errands with my mom, we talked about the plan, she complimented me on how good I looked, and we got home at around 3ish.  I proceeded to break into a bag of cheetos and cheese popcorn.  And ate 3 squares of Ghiradelli chocolate.

I don't know what my problem is!  I really want to do this plan - I really want to lose the weight because I know I have a LONG way to go.

But, I am losing motivation to stay on track and reach my goals.  :(  I am not motivated to eat foods on plan because they are not emotionally satisfying.  They are blech.  I am not motivated to do anything.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!!!!  I need to get off this cheating spree and get back on plan!!!!

Ok, tomorrow - I will do it all tomorrow!  Tomorrow I will have scrambled eggs with veggies, and yogurt with fruit for breakfast.  Lunch will be faux tacos in lettuce wraps.  And dinner will be oven baked chicken kabobs!  Snack will be a kefir smoothie, and/or a blended vanilla coffee drink with almond milk.

I'm feeling my meal planning mojo return!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I think I'm going to run to the grocery store in a bit.  YAY MEAL PLANNING!

Friday, June 8, 2012

scone.

I just ate a scone. 

And I enjoyed all 68 grams of carbs, 18 grams of fat, and 420 calories of it.


Starbucks Blueberry Scone (not actual scone consumed)

It had blueberries and therefore antioxidental (is that a word?) properties. 

I'm not going to feel guilty.

It was delicious.

Just thought I should keep you all in the loop.

Faltering.

I started Phase II this week after one day of debauchery ("D" Day).  Oh boy was it debaucherous!  EEP!  Anyhow...on Monday ("D" Day), I spent about an hour going through recipes, making a grocery list, and coming up with this week's meal plan. 

Tuesday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, a fruit smoothie for lunch, and for dinner I made Yak (as in from the bovine family) meatloaf with veggies (will post picture later - it's on my laptop which I am not on currently).  It was...different.  Yak meat is a VERY lean meat (think beef flavored ground turkey).  I thought the meatloaf would be good, but it was very dry.  It also has a somewhat gamey taste - but not too bad.  Must experiment with yak recipes....

I also planned to have chicken salads over lettuce greens for lunch on Wednesday and Friday, so Tuesday night (after dinner), I put two organic chicken breasts (which cost me about $10!!! - but you get what you pay for, and paying less results in less nutrition and health, so there you go) in the oven after seasoning with olive oil and herbs (garlic powder, basil, sage, etc.).  After they were done, I cut them up into squares, added chopped apple, diced celery, greek yogurt, and curry powder.  I mixed it all up, and put it into two tupperware - lunch for Wednesday and Friday.

Wednesday, I had my fruit smoothie for breakfast, followed by my chicken salad for lunch, and then dinner was supposed to be fish tacos over cabbage (minus the taco shell/wrap).  But, I was supposed to stay at Josh's that night, and I had to go home after work, grab all my groceries that I would need for the next 4-5 days, my clothes, my laptop, etc. and then turn around and drive the 45 minutes back to Josh's - all in rush hour traffic BOTH WAYS.  So, although I left the office at 4:30, live less then 20 minutes away from work, got to my place at 5:30 because there was an accident along the way involving a pickup truck and a motorcycle.  Got home and threw everything into the car, turned around and headed back out - only to be slowed down by the stupid truck/motorcycle accident again - and got back on the freeway to head to Josh's, and ended up in his neighborhood around 6:30.  I still needed to make the actual tacos, and get everything going - which would have meant dinner would be ready around 7:30ish.  And I was in a bad mood from spending 2 hours in traffic.  And I was STARVING.

So, I stopped at Wendy's and picked up two salads for us.  Not exactly on plan - but better than two giant cheeseburgers and a milkshake - which I TOTALLY could have gone for.

Additionally - after dinner (which I scarfed down) I had to make breakfast for the next day which was going to be potato pancakes with applesauce and greek yogurt.  So, I totally could have made dinner and stayed on plan.  But, my frustration level and irritation level was at an all time high.  I just couldn't do it.  I needed food in my belly and I needed it NOW.

And then, I continued on my "not exactly on plan" streak.  That night, I was still awake at midnight - because I just couldn't sleep.  And I was HUNGRY.  My tummy wanted FOOD (probably because of the stupid fruit on the stupid salad - but it was the lowest calorie salad option!).  So, I gave in and had a bowl of Fiber One Honey Oat clusters cereal with my acidophilus milk.  Definitely NOT on plan (a. it was not a "carb" day; b. it was WAY after 2pm and c. NOT an allowable carb!). 

Thursday I had the potato pancakes with applesauce and greek yogurt for breakfast, followed by leftover meatloaf and veggies for lunch...followed by a bag of BBQ kettle potato chips (definitely NOT on plan).  I was starving for dinner (big surprise), and we had to pick Josh's daughter up from an appointment at 6:30, so we went to a bar for dinner (they have a great happy hour - NOT on plan foods - yet again!).  I really wanted the kung pao calamari.  But, I got the basil chicken breast (about 3-4 oz of chicken served over sushi rice with some veggies and a sweet chili sauce).  I ate the chicken and veggies and tried my best to avoid the rice.  I ended up eating 2 or 3 bites of the rice (ACK!).  Josh also ordered crab and shrimp bruschetta.  Which I had a piece of.  OMG SO GOOD.

We got home at 7:15ish.  And by 8, I was HUNGRY again.  So, instead of drinking a big bottle of water and trying to call it good, or having a yogurt and downing some water, I wanted the cereal again.  So, yet again, I had a bowl of the Fiber One cereal again.  And then, all was well with the world.  I drank the rest of my water, and I felt better.  I ended up eating over 1550 calories yesterday!!!  :(

The problem is I am beating myself up for my slip ups.  In my head they are GIANT.  On phase I I found it HARD to reach the minimum 1200 calories.  I would have to add olive oil to things I wouldn't normally (like sauteed veggies), to ensure I was getting my calories up and getting adequate fat.  And with the addition of the carbs, I don't have a problem meeting the 1200 calorie range.  I also don't have a problem with meeting any other nutrient ranges (fat, carbs, protein).  And it bothers me.  I felt so proud that I was able to eat between 1000-1300 calories and survive.  Although I had cravings, I wasn't starving.  I wasn't really ever hungry.

And now, I'm hungry.  A LOT.  And I'm going WAY over the 1200 calories.  :(

And I feel guilty.  And I have a weigh in on Monday and I'm scared.  I feel like it's going to be a bad result.  I'm trying to focus on the positive - my clothes fit great, I'm getting compliments from my friends and family, I'm proud of my hard work.

I think part of the problem is Josh.  Every time I go over to his place, or go out to eat with him, I give in to my temptations.  It is really hard to be on plan with someone who is not.  He also has VERY yummy food at his place (I have gotten rid of everything tempting at mine).  Additionally, I am very easily talked out of making dinner or doing anything for pre-planning of my meals when I am with him. 

In fact, when we started this journey - that he went off of after the first or second day - hence the lack of posts by him, the first week I was at my place and was fine.  The second week of the plan, I went off script a bit - a lot - because I was at his place.  The solution - avoid his place.  It's too tempting and detrimental to my waistline. 

So, here I am - Friday morning.  I find my resolve to stick to the plan faltering.  I want to get a cheesy bagel breakfast sandwich.  I want teriyaki chicken over brown rice and veggies for lunch.  I want to go to the movies and have popcorn.  I don't want to drink my kefir smoothie for breakfast, eat my chicken salad over greens for lunch, or eat the fish tacos I have pushed off to tonight for dinner.

I am determined to be on plan though. 

I'll keep you posted...


Monday, June 4, 2012

PHASE 1 Results!

Ok - I promised them.  The before and the after.  I am mortified by the before, but it is what it is, right?

Ok....here they go.  I apologize for the poor quality of the "before"s.  My camera battery was dead and I had to use my cell camera - which bites. But, you get the gist of the photos....I made sure to wear the exact same thing in the photos so you can compare them.  I apologize that they're not at the same distance/angle.

BEFORE (May 14, 2012)....
Front view (05.14.12)
Side view (05.14.12)

AFTER (June 4, 2012)....

Front view (06.04.12)
Side view (06.04.12)
After 17 days of following the diet:

Here are the stats....

Total weight change: -9.2
Inches
Thigh: -1"
Hips: -1.75"
Waist: -4.5"
Chest/Breasts: -2.5"/-.75"
Arm: -.5"
Total Inches Lost: 11"

I would say it's a victory!  Today was my "cheat day" - decided to take a cheat day so that I don't lose my bananas.  Back on track and starting Phase II tomorrow...

Breakfast is oatmeal, blueberries, agave syrup, and milk.

Lunch is a kefir smoothie with strawberries and cherries.

Dinner is going to be...crap, I have no idea...oh yeah - meatloaf with yak meat.  :)

We shall see what the next 17 days brings us!  CHEERS!




Friday, June 1, 2012

ponderings.

I am quite pleased with my weight loss thus far.  This program has me feeling good about myself (not taking into the account that I desperately want to climb into a tub of donuts and eat my way out).  But, as I was walking to my car this morning it hit me - am I losing all this weight because I'm doing this plan, eating clean, avoiding fruit after 2pm, etc.?  Or, am I losing this weight because I'm eating between 950-1300 calories/day?  Would I lose the weight if I stayed within my calorie range, but ate whatever I wanted?

I've been on this weight loss journey for a long time - seriously for about a year.  I've struggled with my weight all my life, but most of the time just wallow in the self pity that is my giant ass instead of doing something about it.  When I have done something about it, it's been short lived.

I graduated from college in 2003 at my heaviest (at the time) of about 185.  I started Weight Watchers in June, 2003 and by October, 2003, I was down to 158 (the lowest I've been as an adult over the age of 21).  Twenty seven pounds in 4 months.  Those 4 months were pretty hard!  At no point during the Weight Watchers journey did I exercise.  I loathe exercise.

My weight then fluctuated up and down from 158 to 185 and hovered around the 180 range for the most part.  I did get down to approximately 170 in late 2005.  When I was planning my wedding to the man I did not want to marry and could not imagine spending the rest of my life with in early 2006, I (surprisingly!) put on about 25 pounds in less than 7 months ballooning up to 195 in September, 2006 - when I walked down the aisle and married a man I was not in love with.

After the wedding, my weight stabilized again and I got back down to 175ish.  In April of 2008 I decided to divorce the man I was married to because I was miserable.  And so was he.  So, I moved out of his house, and moved into my mother's house.  I tried to mend my broken heart, drown my shame, and quell my fears of being the stinky cat lady (only without cats - severely allergic) with raspberry filled powdered donuts, diet Mt. Dew, and Funyuns.  Massive amounts.  My weight jumped up to the low 180s.

I was also training for my first half marathon at the time and was convinced that all my running earned excessive amounts of junk food and double orders of cheeseburgers and fries after long (10+ mile) runs.  Much to my surprise, and dismay, all my hard exercise was not effective and my weight did not really drop during my training.  It stayed the same (thankfully).

After my marathon in October, 2008 (1 month after my divorce was finalized), I stopped running.  My weight started dropping (due to new found happiness?  a sense of pride and inner strength?  Or possibly a smaller appetite because I was no longer working out?) and dropped down to about 170-ish.

However, within about 5 months my weight crept back up and I was hovering around the 188-ish mark, yet again.  So, I did what any sane and healthy person does.  I joined a gym, signed up for a triathlon, and signed up for a half marathon in San Francisco.

After personal training for 8 weeks, trying to stick to Weight Watchers (yet again - but failing!), I managed to lose inches, but only about 6 pounds.  I stuck to my running plan, and started dating a vegan.  Which meant a lot of nights without meals (not the type of person to admit I'm hungry or that I need food with other people (at least those I am not really close with) - because there's nothing sexy about a girl who eats or needs food - duh!)  So, thanks to my running/training schedule for the half marathon and my new "diet plan" of not eating, and filling up on iced non-fat lattes (vegan boy would scoff at me but there's no way in hell I was giving up my g'damn lattes), I got down to about 168/170-ish.

Then completed the half marathon.  And I stopped running, again.  And I broke up with vegan boy.  And I was in grad school.  And then in 2010, I met Josh.  And I fell head over hells in love.  And when I'm in love, I eat.  Eat.  Eat.  Eat.  And I enjoyed myself.  Josh and I laughed, and ate, and had so much fun together!  And by July, 2010 I had jumped up from 172 (my weight when I first met Josh) to 192.  Twenty pounds in 6 months - almost 4 pounds a month.  EEEP!

So, I joined a competition at work for "The Biggest Loser".  And I didn't lose any weight - I didn't follow my diet plan.  Then, over the next few months, Josh became less and less attracted to me.  He was no longer physically warm or interested in sex.

So, I had a breakdown in December.  I want to be married and I want a family.  Josh was not interested in marriage or children with me.  And if the love of my life doesn't even want to touch me, and definitely doesn't want to marry me, or have children with me - then I am in trouble.

On New Year's eve, I cried for 3 hours and wrote a letter to myself - promising that I would lose the weight.  That 2011 was going to be my year!  I would lose at least 50 pounds and I would become irresistible.  Josh would be attracted to me again - he would want me physically, and realize that I am the one he wants to spend forever with.  2011 was going to be the year he proposed.  And by 2012, I would be married and pregnant.

I promised myself.  I made a goal list.  In January, 2011, joined another "Biggest Loser" competition at work, and I signed up for another half marathon.  I would exercise, love running again, and lose the weight!

I stumbled and made it through, and stumbled again.  And by March, 2011, I had given up.  In May, 2011, I decided again to pick myself up and try again.  I begrudgingly joined another Biggest Loser competition, and decided to make it work this time.  From May, 2011 to October, 2011 I went from 192 to 174ish.  I was very excited!

I ran my 2nd half marathon and bested my PR by 15 minutes!  I stuck to my plan (somewhat) and after the holidays, I had only gained about 6 pounds.  :)  2011 had not gone as planned.  Although Josh's attraction toward me did increase (yay!), and I had lost weight...2011 was not the year I had planned....No engagement ring.  No marriage plans.  No children.  But it was a start!  And in 2012, I was still committed!  My journey continued on.

I stuck to the plan (trying to eat between 1200 and 1500 calories/day) for the most part.  From January, 2012 to March, 2012 I got back down from 181 to 173.  The weight slowly crept up and when I started this plan 17 days ago, I was back up to 182.  So, in 17 days I have dropped 9+ pounds following this clean eating plan.

When I followed my calorie range (for the most part - allowed myself a cheat day once a week) - it took me two months to get down the 9+ pounds.

So, extremely LONG story short...it must be the clean eating that is leading to the weight loss at this pace.  Because following just a calorie requirement didn't result in a loss that was so quick.  However, I am eating less calories than I was when I was just doing the calorie thing (1200-1500, plus a cheat day every day).  

So, after this experiment - maybe I'll try following the 950-1300 calorie range.  The only thing is clean eating allows me to eat A LOT.  If I ate whatever I wanted, I would reach the 950 calories probably by lunch!  :(

It would be an interesting experiment though...comparing apples to apples (or apple juice).

Onward!

Zucchini!

So, I was going through a list of recipes provided by members of the 17 DD community and read a recipe for veggie chips.  They said to "select the veggies that are allowed on the cycle you're in...Cycle 1: carrots, cauliflower, eggplant, broccoli stems, etc.; Cycle 2: Beets, turnips, yams, butternut squash, potatos, etc.; Cycle 3: Zucchini, Summer Squash, Rutabaga, etc."  WHAT?!!!  Zucchini is NOT allowed until the last cycle?!  OOPS!!!! 

I've had it in stir-fries, breakfast scrambles, and roasted veggies.  RUH-ROH RAGGY.  And I bought 3 of them last night to attempt the veggie chip recipe...assuming it was allowed!!!  :(  Oh bugger.  Guess I'm eating off script! 

BTW - down a total of 9.2 pounds on the plan!  :) 

Thursday, May 31, 2012

One down...three more to go!

Happy Day World!

I edited the format of the blog, but I am a blogging neophyte so I'm still learning how to put everything together.  Can't figure out how to change the format of the Recipe page so that every recipe is like a new post.  Oh well - I'm sure you can deal with things as they are.  I only have two recipes up - but will put up more as I can think of them.

There are two other bread sticks hiding under the eggs.
I'm down an additional 1.2 pounds from Saturday's weigh in.  I imagine this would have been a significant amount more if I had NOT cheated this last weekend.  But, I did cheat - so it was 1.2 pounds for a total of 8.2 pounds lost on this journey.

I'm pretty proud of myself.

B - Kefir smoothie with strawberries
L - Chicken salad over greens
Snack - Yogurt
D - Cauliflower bread sticks with 2 eggs and veggies (Brussels sprouts and carrots)
Snack2 - Sugar free caramel pudding

SKINNY JENN - HERE I COME!!!  Are you ready for me? 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Last Day + 4

Glorious world!

I added an extra 4 days to my Phase I because I "cheated" on Sun and Mon.

Amazing how I was SO excited to back to plan last Monday night...and now, I'm really wanting to cheat, again.  Funny how it all works.

So, I did "cheat" tonight...but I'm ok with it.  It wasn't a giant piece of cake.  It wasn't the crispy cheese bagel toasted, with a fried egg, slice of cheese, and crispy bacon that I wanted all day today.  It wasn't the box of donuts I wanted to shove down my gullet.  It was a reasonable "cheat" and I am ok with it!  YAY ME for being ok with moderation!

B - kefir smoothie with 1 C strawberries and 1 C frozen mixed berries; Green tea; Iced coffee with acidophilus milk;
L - Crunchy tuna salad over salad greens (2 Tbsp fat free greek yogurt + 1 tsp ranch dip powder; 1 C coleslaw mix; 5 oz can of tuna; 2 tsp relish); Green tea
Snack - CarbMaster yogurt (cherry - NOT my favorite flavor!)
D - 6 oz chicken breast; 1+ C balsamic carrots and Brussels sprouts
Snack2 - 2 low fat honey graham cracker sheets and 1 Tbsp peanut butter; Green tea

I haven't consumed a full 1.5 L of water...I'm a bit behind...will work on trying to get that up there tonight.  My tummy is happy - I don't feel deprived, and my cravings are in check.  I feel GOOD!!!!

Tomorrow was supposed to be the start of Phase II...but I am continuing on with Phase I.  Breakfast is going to be scrambled eggs with fat free feta and sauteed spinach.  Lunch is going to be a chicken salad (chicken breast, fat free greek yogurt, 1 tsp ranch powder, 1 C grapes) over salad greens.  Dinner is going to be...hmmm....maybe another batch of what I had tonight.  Snacks will be hard boiled eggs and yogurt.

Happy Wednesday to All!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Off the wagon.

So, I chose to fall off the wagon this weekend. 

Sunday, I had sunflower seeds, chocolate goldfish (instead of cheese), peanut M&Ms, mini snickers, shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, a cheeseburger ON A BUN, macaroni salad, AND potato chips.

Today, I had waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast.  More sunflower seeds.  And an awesome evening meal of pizza, followed by chocolate cake.

And I have enjoyed every morsel and EVERY bite.  This is what happens when I deny myself - I gorge.  Stupid gorging.

I had planned to get back on track today, after last night's food debauchery.  That did not happen.  So, then I thought - after breakfast.  That did not happen.  So, then, I thought - TOMORROW!  It's the end of a 3 day weekend that I desperately needed.  I have to get back to the real world tomorrow - which includes responsibilities such as cooking, and meal planning.  So, tomorrow it's BACK to the board.

Since I had two days of debauchery - I'm adding two-three days to the Phase I portion.  Dr. Moreno says you don't have to start over at Day I if you fall off the wagon, and although I'm tempted - I'm just going to add a few more days to try to cleanse some of the junk out. 

I'm feeling a lot of things right now.  Human.  Disappointed.  Happy.  Sick.  Angry.

Human.

I am human - I cannot be perfect.  I live life and I falter.  I am faced with temptations, and sometimes I give in.  I wanted to give in on Saturday - at the wedding - with bread and pie and potatoes.  But I remained strong...but that urge to give in has been bubbling to the surface and I had a feeling it would rear it's ugly head at me.  And - it did.  And I'm human.  So, I deal with it.

So, my weight loss is going to be slowed down a bit - and I'm honestly terrified to find out how much it's going to be thrown off.  Because I have worked SO HARD.  SO INCREDIBLY HARD.  I've posted how difficult this journey has been - you are all aware.  And I would be heartbroken if I found out that I've thrown it all away in 2 days.  Really hoping it's not the case.

Disappointed.

Disappointed that I have worked so hard and I chose to give in to my weakness.  I could have stayed strong.  I could have stuck to it.  But, I was weak and I gave in.  And I'm disappointed in myself.  I had made it through 2 weeks of the plan!  YAY!  But, I faltered.  Goes back to the support of the fact that I am human. 

Disappointed that I have to start over with the 21 day habit cycle - I didn't break myself of the carb cravings.  I gave in to them - 2 weeks in.  I only had one more week to go to get there - and I gave in!!!!  DAMN ME!

Disappointed that I worked so hard to get rid of the fake stuff.  My body was getting healthy.  And I just put more of that shit into it.  Now, I feel like I do need to start over to continue the cleansing.  I am no longer clean.

Happy.

Happy that I tasted wonderful food - buttered buns, potato chips, saltiness, sweetness, candy, chocolate.  DELICIOUSNESS!

Sick.

Did I not mention everything I have eaten?  You would be sick too!!!!  ICK in my tummy.  But happiness too!!!! ICK and HAPPY!

Angry.

Angry that I broke my awesome streak.  Angry that I'm not stronger.  Angry that I'm weak.  Angry that I'm human.  Angry that food won the battle in this war of the will.  Will it always win?  Is this my way of resigning myself to the fact that I will always be fat?  Always be ruled by food?  Am I conceding?

No.  My resolve is stronger than ever.  Maybe I need to have a gluttonous weekend every two weeks on this journey to allow myself to refocus?  I feel gross right now.  I felt like a rock star on the plan.  This is a journey.  This is not a race (even though I'd like it to be).  This is my life.  Cake happens and I will give in.  And that's ok.

I have the rest of my life to get this right, I suppose.  It's hard because I want to be thin now.  I want to be skinny now.  I want to be desirable and attractive NOW.  But, this is a learning process.  I didn't gain all this weight overnight.  I'm not going to lose it all overnight. 

So, here is the plan:

Tomorrow - breakfast is my kefir smoothie with green tea.  Iced coffee and eggs for snack.  Cabbage casserole for lunch.  Baby carrots for afternoon snack.  Fizza (faux pizza) for dinner. 

And instead of ending this cycle on Thursday and starting Phase II...I will be starting Phase II on Saturday.  Hmmm...I was thinking I would weigh myself on Saturday.  But, I don't think that's enough cushion time to get rid of the debauchery from this weekend.  So, I'm going to extend Phase I through Sunday.  I will start Phase II on Monday - June 4th. 

n one week - I will start Phase II.  So, I'm extending this cycle by 4 days (that should be enough time to get rid of two days of debauchery - I hope). 

So, phase II officially starts Monday, June 4th.  I will not weigh myself until Monday, June 4th.  It will be the start of a new week and a new phase in life.  :)  And I will work EXTREMELY hard this week to ensure I am on plan 100%!!!

No pork rinds.  No cheese (other than fat free feta).  No sausage.  No fruits after 2pm!  100% ON plan!  I can do this!  I am ready for this challenge! 

Back on the wagon again my friends!  Here's to another week of cleansing myself!  YAY!!!!  This is going to be wonderful!  I am very excited!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Failure.

So, I must preface the below blog with the following:  It is EXTREMELY negative.  I was in a shame spiral and in a very negative mood.  It is a definite downer and in no way shape or form positive.  You have been warned.  :)

The count down is on.  The last day of Phase I is in 4 days (Wednesday).

I'm feeling quite a few things right now.  I'm disappointed in myself, and angry with myself.  I "cheated" yesterday (Saturday) and I went off plan on Friday.

Friday, I was really craving chips.  So, I got the idea to eat pork rinds - they're carb free!  They're high in fat, and probably not the best for my health, but they're crunchy and carb free.  Phase I has low fat as the key - and I did not eat low fat.  Then, Friday night, instead of making the Fizza (faux pizza) I was planning on, I ordered coconut thai soup with chicken and panang curry with shrimp and asparagus.  All not on the plan of Phase I.  Still, low carb, but NOT appropriate for Phase I.  I failed.  I failed.  I screwed it up and didn't follow the plan appropriately - and now my path is marred.  Marred by error and failure.  I feel horrible.  I feel pathetic.  I can't even follow a plan for SEVENTEEN DAYS!  It wasn't even 17 days - it was about 10 or 11 days...I can't follow a plan for for TEN DAYS!  What the hell is WRONG with me?!

I feel like such a loser.

Yesterday, I tried to be good, stay on plan.  I went to a wedding yesterday.  And I wasn't planning on going off plan, but I did.  Josh got me a mango, ginger, lemon drop.  And he said I didn't have to drink it.  But, I did.  I really wanted it, and so I drank it.  I drank every ounce of that thing.

I passed up the bread, mashed potatoes, and left the wedding before they served dessert because I wanted to give in.  But, that drink was a fail.

Then, I got home after the wedding, entered my food, and realized I had only eaten about 850 calories.  And I was hungry (no wonder).  But I did not want to cook anything - and I didn't want to heat up the cabbage casserole thing I made.  And Josh made popcorn.  With butter.  So, I ate it.  I ate approximately 6 cups of buttery popcorn.  I am such a failure!!!!!!!  :(

I realize that I'm being extremely negative and extremely down.  And I realize that I should be positive and send goodness out into the world - but I am extremely depressed right now, so I'm focusing on all the negatives.  Logically, I know, by putting negatives out there I'm creating a negative cycle.

But, I am extremely down and right now it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  i feel like I'm in a dark hole...and I can see the top of it...and I can see the light outside...but i can't get to it.  I can't reach it.

This morning, Josh and I left town and are staying in a cabin in the woods with his family and friends.  I am surrounded by temptation - brownies, chips, peanut m&ms (my fav), popcorn, peanut butter, jelly, bread.  I want to give in SO badly.  I already feel like shit, and am feeling pretty hopeless about this weight loss journey at this time, but I feel like a loser and a failure already - and I know that giving in would make me feel even worse.

This morning, Josh made breakfast.  He made me an omelet with chicken sausage and cheddar.  Chicken sausage and cheddar = not allowed.

Did not even drink 1L of water yesterday.  And I'm behind on water today.

Oh, and tomorrow - we're having strawberry waffles for breakfast.  I.  LOVE.  WAFFLES.  My FAVORITE!  This whole time I have craved and desired waffles, breads, pastries.  I want a fricken pancake dammit!  But, I will remain strong.  I will have yogurt and strawberries for breakfast.  :)  And coffee with my acidophilus milk.  And i will be good.  Because I'm tired of being fat!!!!!

I'm tired of looking disgusting in pictures.  I'm tired of looking disgusting in clothes.  No one wants to marry a fat girl.  No one wants to start a family with a fat girl.  I have to lose weight to have a future. 

My weigh in is technically tomorrow, but I'll be at the cabin, so that's not going to happen.  I'll weigh in on Tuesday.

I weighed in on Saturday and am only down .2 pounds from my weigh in on Tuesday.  I don't know if it's because I cheated Friday night, or because my weight loss is going to naturally slow down, but it has contributed to my sadness.

Although, last night, at the wedding, I felt that I looked like a bombshell - if I do say so myself.  However, as the evening went on, the more I caught glimpses of myself, I realized that I have a really long way to go before I can consider myself a bombshell.  Like at least 60 more pounds.  It feels pretty hopeless.  It feels hopeless to have lost 7 pounds, in such a short time, and realize that it's just a drop in the bucket.  A very large bucket, and a very small drop.

This isn't where I imagined my life to be.  But, nothing has ever gone the way I thought it would go.  I should just realize that life will go it's own way and I should just go with it and enjoy the ride.  I need to learn to accept.  Accept everything - it is what it is.

I don't feel like I can give an accurate representation of the 17 day diet because I haven't been following it.  I feel like the experiment was a failure already.

I'm sorry.  I'll still keep up with the plan, and will post all my results, good or bad.  And please just know that my results are not an accurate representation of the 17 day diet, phase I because I screwed up.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!  Take care all!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Sexy Beast

It has been a few days since I posted - which is unlike me as I am normally posting every day.  Blogs are funny things.  The excitement of the experiment, and the hope that there is interest in your experience are enough to push you to post frequently.  Once the reality that no one actually reads these things (except me and Josh) hit me, the excitement of posting wore off.

So, I'm posting this for posterity sake - to keep track of my journey - for myself.  What was it like for me?  What was I thinking?  Feeling?

Every day is a struggle - some harder than others.  I want to binge - on cookies, cakes, pie, loaves of bread, bagels, donuts.  I want carbs.  The craving has not escaped me.  Maybe it's because I'm eating carbs - fruits and veggies, agave syrup, fake sugars (yogurts, pudding, etc.).  Maybe I need to eliminate all carbs for 21 days to rid myself of the desire to consume them.  That, however, would be incredibly difficult.  I don't know if I can do that one.

So, here I am on Day 12.  I'm working on breakfast now, so I have 6 more days to go (including today).  Phase I weigh in is Thursday, May 31st in the AM.  I'll also be taking measurements then, as well.  As well as an "AFTER" photo (not the final AFTER photo, but to show what progress, if any, shows up visually).

I weighed myself Tuesday (22nd) morning (today is Friday the 25th).  As of Tuesday, my total weight loss on this journey is 6.8 pounds.  I have not weighed myself since then, but I feel like I have lost more weight.  My clothes are starting to fit better, and Josh says he can see a difference in my appearance.  I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and give you an update at that time.

As far as I can tell, in the less than 12 days I've been on this journey - the 17 day diet (phase I) is effective.  In the first week, I lost 5 pounds.  I was looking at my weight loss journey from last year and it took me almost two months to lose 5 pounds.  And I was able to to that is a week (granted, a very long, arduous week - but 7 days nonetheless). 

My goal for the first 17 days was to lose 8 pounds - since I was at 6.8 as of three days ago, and I still have 6 more days to go - I'm now shooting for 10 pounds.  From what I've read, Phase II weight loss slows down (especially if you're not exercising - which I am NOT doing - cannot seem to motivate myself to be physically active.  Would rather lay like lump).  So, my goal for Phase II is to lose 5 pounds.  Phase III weight loss slows significantly, and some even gain.  So, my goal for Phase III is to lose 2 pounds, for a total of 17 pounds for the first round of the 17 Day Diet. 

I feel like a sexy beast - I'm getting compliments from a co-worker who knows what I'm doing, and I'm feeling confident and sexy.  Like I can conquer the world.  :)

My energy level is low in the am - as it usually is (and always has been - I am NOT a morning person).  But the last two days I've woken up with a headache.  Don't know why b/c I thought I had the headache thing taken care of with this plan.  I think it might have to do with monthly hormones.  And I'm leaving it at that. 

Instead of trying to post everything I've eaten since the last post, I wanted to provide you with a link: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=plynsn316  Click on the "Shared Food & Fitness Tracker" link to the right.  You should be able to see my foods logged (I enter them every day to keep track of calories, carbs, fats, and proteins - as well as fiber).  Please let me know if the link does not work.

Yesterday, I consumed slightly less than 1,000 calories (not really on purpose but because I can only eat so much meat, and I didn't feel like cooking vegetables).  I need to find other meals or snacks or something that I can eat that is either premade, or easy to whip together.  I don't like my calorie intake being so low - don't want my metabolism to slow down.  I guess it won't hurt if it's only for a few days - but don't want it to cause damage.

I am slacking today and haven't really had any water.  I did just slurp down about 16 oz of green tea - but my 1.5 L bottle of water has gone untouched.  Usually, I'm half way done with it by now.  I also cheated a bit and had an iced 16 oz non-fat latte.  And the milk was NOT acidophilus!  OMG!  I know. 

I had a container of my acidoophilus milk at work.  Yesterday, after waiting for 15 minutes in line at my office Starbucks, I got my Venti iced coffee and went up to my office.  I added about half a cup of my milk and then got a whiff of it.  As I watched the beautiful swirls of milk blend into my black coffee creating streams and whisps of creamy colored heaven, I realized that my milk was sour.  At this point, I really wanted to cry.  I desperately needed my coffee.  So, I took a tiny sip of the creamy deliciousness before me.  And I tasted.  And I waited for full body gagging.  And it tasted fine.  And no gagging occurred.  And I decided to drink it anyway - sour milk be damned.  What is sour milk if not buttermilk, or sour cream, right?  And I consume that, right? 

Of course, about 10 minutes later I started googling side effects of consumption of sour milk.  The responses varied from food poisoning to none.  And then it got into my head and I was convinced I was going to get sick, which resulted in psychosomatic symptoms (stomach gurgling, nausea, etc.).  So, after drinking about 1/3 of my venti drink, I threw the rest away.  So - no acidophilus milk for coffee today.

I also had a no-no beverage yesterday afternoon.  Still in desperate need of coffee - I gave in around 1pm and got my Starbucks Double Shot + Energy in Light Vanilla.  130 calories of deliciousness over ice.  Pure heaven.  Carb count - 20+.  Not pure heaven.  But oh well. I have to live, right? 

Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding.  I'm excited because the dress I purchased for the wedding was bought the day before I started this journey.  I am interested to see if it fits differently now. 

Ok - that is enough blogging for the day.  So far - so great!  17 day diet is working!  Hunger is not particularly an issue.  Carb craving is an issue - but totally manageable.  Looking forward to Phase II.

Happy Friday!!!!!



Monday, May 21, 2012

woo hoo.

I'm closing out Day 8.  I feel pretty good.

All this time, I was remembering my starting weight incorrectly.  I was remembering it as the weight I was when I went for my physical the week before.  And actually, it was a pound higher.  So, I've actually lost a total of 5 pounds in the first week!

For some reason knowing that I lost 5 pounds in one week, versus 4, I feel like so much more of a success!

Day 8 went well.  Just 9 more days to go!  I CAN DO THIS  I'm almost half way there!  This is TOTALLY doable!

I'm already planning my meals for Phase II.  The first day I'm going to have oatmeal mixed with no-sugar added jam; raspberries or sliced fresh peaches; and green tea for breakfast.  Mid morning snack is going to be a Kefir smoothie with berries.  Lunch is going to be grilled turkey or chicken breast with sweet potato; baked carrots; and steamed zucchini.  Late afternoon snack is going to be carbMaster yogurt.  Dinner is going to be a stir-fry with plenty of veggies.  SO EXCITED!  OMG I CANNOT WAIT!!!  :)

Ok...9 more days...I can totally do this.

FIVE POUNDS DOWN...52-62 to go!!!  :)  YAY!!!!!!!

BTW - I would like to point out that this weekend, although I napped on Saturday, I woke up before 7am without the alarm and was up until after 1pm.  Sunday I didn't take a nap at all - and I didn't want one!!!  Energy levels are INCREASING!  OMG SO MANY ALL CAPS - SO EXCITED!

I'm off to bed now...

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Day 7.

So, I've gone off script slightly.  I'm feeling a little guilty, but trying not to get too consumed by it.  A lifestyle change involves living our LIVES.  And if that means that I have to flip the script, then so be it.  I cannot follow guidelines all the time - sometimes I have to wing it.  So, wing it I did.  And cheat a little, I did that too.  But, not 'slice of chocolate cake' type of cheating.

So, I was watching a few videos by Dr. Moreno (author of the book/creator of diet plan/lifestyle change) in which he answers questions regarding the plan.  Someone asked something about jello and pudding and he said the sugar free stuff was fine.  Now, they didn't specify which phase of the diet.  I'm assuming he meant in maintenance.  But, I am taking liberty since he didn't specify and am eating sugar free pudding now.  Because dammit I want a flippen dessert.  So, last night I had chocolate pudding - sugar/fat free.  And it was delicious.

Today, I had more pudding.  I also had 3 pieces of summer sausage and 2 square slices of cheese.  Josh and I went to a birthday party at a friend's house.  I ate before I went, but I wasn't planning on staying as long as we did and I got really hungry and cranky.  They had cherries and strawberries, which I ate as my fruit serving.  But 2 hours later, after I had given up cake and ice cream (yes I managed to say no), I was gnawing on my cheek.  And getting very irritable.  So, I got up and got some cheese and sausage.  It was not very tasty, but it was enough to let the stomach gnawing and twisting subside until I got home, and ate about 6 oz of turkey breast...almost practically standing at the kitchen counter, the entire time.

Tonight, for dinner, I debated - seriously - getting Popeye's fried chicken.  I am so tired of chicken and turkey.  And chicken.  And turkey.  And I'm tired of cooking!!!!!  I want to order a pizza, pop open a carton of ice cream, warm some brownies, and EAT!!!!!  So, I was depressed and frustrated with my food choices and feeling sorry for myself.  So, Josh offered to take me to the grocery store and get crab or shrimp (not on the plan for Phase I - but low in calories, low in fat, and good for you - so I don't care that it's not on the effing plan!).  We went and couldn't find any crab that looked appetizing, and definitely not any shrimp that was worth the money.

So, we found salmon burgers (170 cals), stuffed salmon cakes (249 cals), and stuffed swai (130 cals).  And I'm eating them.  The salmon cakes have 9 carbs; stuffed salmon burgers have 10 carbs and the stuffed swai have 4 carbs.  I'm totally eating them.  And they will totally be delicious. (update: I only managed to eat about half of each cake).

I have not had very many vegetables today - I had zucchini and tomatoes at breakfast, but nothing since.  I don't feel like cooking.  I don't care about vegetables right now.

I was talking to Josh about my cravings.  I don't know why they're so voracious now.  I've had them in check - so there's no reason they should be crazy.  I think I'm PMSing.  That's the only thing I can think of - it's usually when my cravings are at their highest and craziest, so I'm going with that.  This too shall pass.

So, I've been on the plan for a week.  It has felt like an eternity.  I cannot wait for Phase 1 to be over.  CANNOT WAIT!  Grrr.

Oh, I also had a diet soda.  Yeah, I'm a rebel.  So what?  Diet soda, little veggies, higher calorie intake, stuffed fish, and sugar free pudding.  BOO-YAH!

If I don't lose weight tomorrow - at my weigh in, I'm seriously considering throwing in the towel.

BTW - my energy level was absolutely fabulous today - no nap needed!  :)

Happy Sunday all! 



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Discouraged.

Starting Day 6 of Cycle 1.

I have been weighing myself every morning.  I haven't lost any weight since Wednesday morning.  I am now becoming discouraged.  I've tried reading about others experiences and it seems to be mixed.  Those who are losing a lot of weight, quickly, are accusing those who aren't of cheating.  And those who aren't losing weight are frustrated and concerned and finding no relief or support.

I'm still going to stick with it.  Who knows why the weight isn't falling off.  And technically, my weigh-in day is Monday. AND what the hell is my problem?  I've lost almost 4 pounds in less than 4 days!  That should be an awesome accomplishment and I should be proud of it - even if my weight doesn't drop again by Monday - 4 pounds in a week is wonderful!  So, maybe this plan isn't the "fast results guaranteed!"; "Lose up to 13 pounds in the first 17 days!" plan that it promises to be.  It's still a pretty effective weight loss tool (4 pounds in less than a week!) and it is encouraging me to get rid of the sugar!

I really never thought I'd be able to do something like this.  I love sugar and breads and cakes and pastries.  If someone had told me that I would be able to make it 5 days without these goods, I would have laughed at them and called them crazy.  It is a huge accomplishment for me to have made it this far!  And I can give it another 11 days!  What have I got to lose?  Other than some much needed weight?

I'll work on not getting discouraged.  It is a journey...and it's about the journey, not the final destination (although being a sexy little minx in a size 4 bikini on the beach would be a pretty awesome final destination!).

Yesterday was an unusual day because I was HUNGRY.  Not just for a cupcake, but really truly hungry.  After every meal I wanted more.  After dinner, I was still hungry (enough to the point that I was slightly irritable).  So, Josh encouraged me to eat more.  Normally, I try to stick to the low end of the 1200 calorie range.  But I was SO hungry last night - so Josh made me scrambled eggs with some fat free feta.  They were delicious and made my tummy very happy - I was all better after that.  But my food intake pushed up to over 1450 calories!  I felt like a failure that I had to eat that much.

I don't know why I can't seem to convince my body that I DO NOT NEED the food.  I am a short woman.  I have a small build (under all this fat).  My BMR is about 1600 calories.  I can LIVE on 1200 calories - why won't my stomach listen????!!!  That is the most frustrating part of all of this, I think.

Ok - deep breath.  It takes 21 days to develop a habit.  I'll be fine...just have to continue for 21 days and my body will get the message.

Score for Jenn - No diet soda since Sunday!  That's almost a WEEK!  Longest I have gone in my adult life.  Very proud of myself.

So, here's the breakdown for yesterday:
B - Kefir shake with berries and agave syrup; Green tea; Iced coffee;
L - Leftover turkey meatballs in tomato sauce; Green tea
S - Carrot sticks and CARBmaster yogurt; Green tea
D - Tuna stir fried with cabbage and carrots;
S2 - Cauliflower popcorn (it was...interesting...and delicious)
2nd Dinner - Scrambled eggs with fat free feta

One day at a time.  I can get through today because I am strong and capable!  GO JENN!

PS: A note about my energy level.  I have fibromyalgia so I am always tired and always without energy.  At any point I can usually lay down and fall asleep.  Unless it's bedtime.  Then I seem to have insomnia.  The energy fluctuations while on this plan are more related to my normal energy levels (except for Monday - which was HORRIBLE!).  The only reason I've mentioned it is because one of the pluses of the plan is that I'm supposed to gain energy.  My energy levels are pretty normal and I'm feeling 100% (for Jenn) - I even got up before 8am this morning, and am on my second cup of coffee.  It's a SATURDAY!!!  Before 8am?!  I can't even do that during the work week!  So - some improvements....

Thursday, May 17, 2012

New things.

Today has been pretty good.  Although I'm missing carbs, I'm not really craving any.  That was, until tonight, when I was watching a movie that involved a few scenes of chocolate cake, a chocolate filled croissant, and a fried french pastry type thing that screamed "EAT ME!".  So, I looked up some low-carb, 17-day diet approved recipes and found one for egg custard.

It was....ehhh.  If you're craving something that has a carb like texture, and is SLIGHTLY sweet - it's good.  It has stevia in it...which has a not so great after taste.  But, It warmed my tummy and semi-satisfied my craving for dessert.  YAY for trying something new.

Along those lines - I decided to try to make eggplant chips.  Sliced egg plant drizzled in olive oil and salted.  They did NOT turn out, at all.  I have never cooked eggplant before, but I apparently should not cook eggplant ever again.  It was a mushy mess.  Definitely not chip like.  Disappointed.  :(  Was really looking forward to chips.

So, I am afraid I am too long winded and am boring all of you - especially since Josh doesn't seem to be writing.  This will be short:

B - Eggs scrambled with broccoli and onions, iced coffee with milk, carbmaster yogurt;
L - Chicken salad made with grapes, non-fat greek yogurt, broccoli, served on greens;
D - Turkey meatballs in tomato sauce (delicious)
Snack - Egg custard

Total weight loss, so far: 3.6 pounds.  GO ME!

One day at a time....

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Phase I Day 3

Today things are good.  I’m feeling clear headed and I’m feeling good.

I woke up shaky today – shaky like I was hungry and hadn’t eaten in a while.  I also felt weak and irritable.  But no headache!  A rough start to the morning: 1) my milk canister opened in my lunch bag on my walk to catch the bus and spilled on my pants and all over my breakfast/lunch – which required walking back home, cleaning up and then driving to work b/c I missed the bus; 2) I prepped turkey meatballs in tomato sauce for the crock pot this morning and left without taking it out of the fridge; and 3) I haven’t lost a single ounce since yesterday.

I had my breakfast this morning (Kefir smoothie) and I tried something different.  I used BOTH of my servings of fruit this morning in my smoothie instead of waiting until later in the day.  I want to see if this has an effect on my energy later in the day, or my hunger in the evening.  I also got my warm water and lemon in today…which I guzzled prior to guzzling my iced coffee.  And I am on green tea number two (1st with breakfast, this with lunch).  So far so good on the food servings front!

I have noticed that I am tired.  At night.  In the morning.  During the day.  My energy level has not improved thus far – granted this is only day 3.  I slept in this morning because I could not seem to motivate myself to get out of bed.  Could also be the combination of sadness over the loss of my relationship with food.  No more happiness from food = feelings of loss and the end of a relationship.  I was telling a co-worker that I feel like a drug addict detoxing.  Hello, my name is Jennifer and I’m a food addict.  It has been three days since my last emotionally satisfying meal.  Drug addicts enjoy their relationship with their drugs, for whatever reasons.  They find joy in their usage (I’m guessing).  I enjoy my relationship with food.  I find joy in eating.  But, like a drug addict, my joy can kill me (ok, not quite the same – but pants not fitting, heart not working properly, and dying of cardiac arrest or complications related to high blood pressure and diabetes are all really bad things). 

My lunch (Day 3) - apologies for the blurriness.
I noticed the shakiness before lunch, as well.  Hands trembled and hunger made my tummy gurgle and grumble.  A headache came on early afternoon – I think it’s b/c my hair is up in a bun (sometimes causes headaches) – so I took Tylenol.  All better now.  I ate my fabulous lunch, and was still pretty hungry after (not just the "I want carbs" hunger, but actual honest to goodness - FEED ME hunger).  I made some more green tea, and drank more water.  It helped with the hunger pangs. 

Read some more about first week of low-carbing it.  They mentioned shakiness comes in around days 3-5, maybe earlier.  Well, that would fall right in line with me – day 3.  The explanation: gluconeogenesis (yay for anatomy and physiology classes!).  Ok – WARNING: I am going to go into sciency stuff right now….ignore if you’re not interested.  Read on if you are.  For those of you who have not had A&P: the creation of glucose from non-carbohydrate sources. 

How can you get glucose from non-carbohydrate sources?  And why is this important?  First of all, glucose is the basic form of a carbohydrate.  It is used by your body to function.  Without it, you will die.  When you eat carbs (breads, fruits, veggies, starches, etc.) your body breaks down the food into the building blocks (glucose being the most simplest form, along with other nutrients, ingredients, etc.).  Your body then uses the glucose to function.  The premise behind low carb diets is that we are consuming TOO much carbs, and as a result our bodies have an influx in glucose – which causes a spike in insulin.  Insulin takes glucose out of our blood streams.  Some glucose gets stored in the liver for future use (glycolysis) and the rest doesn’t have anywhere to go – so we store it as fat.

By eating a low carb diet, we’re providing our body with the glucose it needs to function, and forcing it to undergo gluconeogenesis for any additional glucose it does need.  Glucagon is released when blood glucose is too low, which shuts down the liver’s release of the glucose, and the stimulation of the gluconeogenesis process.  Gluconeogenesis involves breaking down proteins (alanine, glutamine) and fats (glycerol) into pyruvate which can then be converted into glucose by as series of complicated steps that require a lot of energy (11 steps to be exact).  And then we end up with glucose for our bodies that is not above and beyond what we need, and we’ve burned fat (and some muscle) in the process.

Because this process takes a lot more energy, the body is tired.  Because glucose is not readily available from my diet (in as much quantities as my body is used to), and it has to go through a very difficult process to produce glucose, I am going through withdrawals until my body gets used to the process and becomes more efficient at gluconeogenesis (shakiness, headache, irritability).  All symptoms explained.

OK – SCIENCY STUFF IS OVER NOW…

I cheated a bit in the afternoon.  I really really really wanted an iced coffee, but I abhor my coffee black.  And I was all out of my acidophilus milk because I spilled half of it on myself this morning.  So, I threw caution to the wind and went downstairs to my Starbucks and I got myself a grande, unsweetened, iced coffee, with NON-FAT milk.  Technically dairy is not allowed, except for the probiotic goodness, but it was ONLY 1/4 of a C of non-fat milk...I highly doubt it will kill me.  I am justifying its use with the fact that I spilled over 1/4 of a cup of my acidophilus milk on myself this morning, thereby eliminating the potential for me to have that second cup of iced coffee that I was craving.  However, we shall see how my adjustment affects my weight tomorrow.

I have not had a very good day today and my irritation level is at an all time high.  With the happenings of this morning, my frustration with work (that's for an entirely different blog), and my frustrations with the USPS, wasting time, energy, and having to drive to Timbuktu (not literally), plus my incessant hunger gnawing at my soul...I almost caved in today and had pretzels, donuts, and a pizza.  I managed to angrily walk away from all of these items at the grocery store, but I did so very begrudgingly.  

Tuna "patties" over cabbage and carrots.
We all know what happened with dinner - so instead I made tuna patties over grilled cabbage and carrots.  The patties turned out to be more of a scramble because they kept falling apart when I flipped them. 

Dinner was delicious.  I finished it about 15 minutes ago and would like something else to eat.  I have about 77 more calories to go, so I think I'm going to make a hard boiled egg  and snack on some baby carrots.  And drink drink drink my water.  Haven't hit the 3 L mark today.  Only a little of 2 Ls today....I'm slacking.  :)

Tomorrow I'm going to try something different with the fruit servings and breakfast.  Will definitely keep you posted on progress!

Summary:
Breakfast: Kefir smoothie; green tea; iced coffee with milk
Lunch: Turkey taco meat over 2 C salad greens and 1/4 C non-fat plain greek yogurt; green tea;
Dinner: tuna patties over sauteed cabbage and carrots
Snack: 2 hard boiled eggs and baby carrots

Now that I have food in my belly, I'm feeling slightly less irritated, and more calm.  I still want a cupcake. 

One day at a time…

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Phase I; Day 2

Hello blogging world!  Today was a bit better than yesterday:
1) Woke up with headache, but it was manageable;
2) Energy level EXISTENT today;
3) I'm down 1.6 pounds from yesterday!

Breakfast:  Kefir smoothie with strawberries and agave syrup; Iced coffee with 1/4 C acidophilus milk

AM Snack: Missed b/c I was swamped!

Lunch: Leftovers from last night - "Faux" tacos (ground turkey, sauteed veggies, onions, seasoning in butter lettuce wraps with non-fat plain greek yogurt)

PM Snack: hard boiled egg; orange; carrot, kale chips (yummy homemade recipe)

Dinner: Sauteed veggies (cabbage, onion, carrots, cauliflower, broccoli) with soy sauce and a side of grilled chicken

Sauteed veggies with grilled chicken


Water consumed: over 3 L!!!

Hunger scale: definitely more hungry today than yesterday (as in - I am HUNGRY right now - even after everything I ate).  Going to make a cup of tea and maybe call it good.

Calories: 1134 (don't know what else to eat though!)

Diet soda consumed: 0, as in ZERO...zip...zilch...none...nada  WOO HOO!

I don't feel as drained or wiped out as I did yesterday - which is a plus.  I don't know if it's because I had my 2nd serving of fruit (orange) at around 3:30 (I know, past 2pm, but I probably won't be in bed until after 11:30, so it's all good) and that sugar has given me the energy I need.  Or, if it's because I'm getting used to this.

Don't know if my hunger level is because I had sugar so late, or if it's because I didn't eat as large a lunch as I did yesterday?  No clue on the whys.

My brain is less foggy today, as well.  A plus!  As I mentioned, headache all day, but not as bad.  It's getting pretty bad now and has been increasing for the last hour or so...

Still craving sugar, bread and bread-like products - a giant cheesy bagel with bacon, egg, and melted cheese washed down with an iced grande non-fat caramel macchiato.  OH YEAH BABY.  Yeah...that's not a possibility until maintenance (Phase IV).  That doesn't happen until I reach goal weight...and since I have about 70 pounds to go...it's going to be a while.  :(

Hoping the sugar cravings will go away in the next 3-4 days though - that will help with the progression of this life changing adventure.

I am a self-proclaimed coffee nut.  I love my Starbucks.  I love my Starbucks Double Shot plus Energy in Vanilla Light (oh yeah baby).  But, I've found that even though I have my coffee in the morning...I'm feeling like I'm missing something.  It's not the sugar (although that would be nice), instead I've found I miss the ritual.  The ritual of taking a break to get my iced vanilla light coffee from the convenience store in the lobby of my building at work, and adding it to a giant glass of ice with a straw, and taking a moment to breathe....before I jump back into the work.  I miss that - it made me feel good and comforted.

Food and drink brings me comfort.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's the healthiest way to view food - because then I seek it to meet emotional needs, not meet biological signals (i.e. hunger).  And to eat because it makes my heart happy is not the best way to operate.  That thought, alone, depresses me.

I find that I'm slightly depressed in the morning because I don't have anything to look forward to - I would look forward to my breakfast, lunch, coffee, etc.  And now, I look forward to the day ending so I can go back to bed.  This has been an interesting two days.

I understand that it takes approximately 21 days to develop a habit.  I am hoping that in 21 days, I will have developed a habit of healthy eating and a more positive outlook.

I was telling Josh today, I know I can make it through the first 3 cycles (each 17 days).  I don't know if I have it in me to repeat the 3 cycles multiple times until I lose the 70+ pounds.

I guess I will have to just continue to take it one day at a time.

Two days down...Fifteen left to go...I CAN DO THIS!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Phase 1; Day 1 - JENN's Experience

I have to apologize - my brain is fuzzy and I'm having a heard time concentrating.  If this doesn't make sense...or rambles...apologies!

Well, it's almost official.  I have ALMOST completed my first day of Phase 1 (only 16 more days to go!).

The day started off...a little off.  Last night I packed up chicken and a large salad with a vinaigrette, my kefir, strawberries, and veggies in prep for today.  Then, this morning, I grabbed everything, headed out the door, and was off!  On the way to work, I realized I left my water bottles at home...and the dressing in the fridge.  So far, not so good.


Breakfast wasn't so bad.  Lunch took me about 2 hours to eat because my salad was GINORMOUS (see photo)!  At about 3pm, a headache came on...and hit me hard.  I started thinking it was because of lack of refined carbs...but I had a lot of veggies, fruit and kefir in the am.  Plenty of carbs!  I am also in an incredibly BAD mood.  And, in general, I feel like crap.

I'm hoping this phase will pass soon - head is killing me, mood is bad, tired, and have no motivation to do anything.

Which is why I didn't do the 20 minute work out.  So, I feel crappy about that.  And I feel crappy, in general.  I'm also having problems concentrating.  I can't seem to focus.  My head is killing me - have I mentioned that?

Dinner I made faux tacos (turkey taco meat in lettuce wraps).  And scarfed them down in less than 10 minutes.  But, NO diet soda!  I have not had a diet soda at all today.  And I have consumed over 3 liters of water. 

Meal plan requires green tea with meals.  I had green tea after breakfast, and with lunch.  Did not have green tea with dinner - oops.  Meal plan also requires lemon with water first thing in the morning - didn't get to that until later in the morning.  So, all in all, not everything by the book today...but within parameters...

I took my "before" photo (with my phone instead of my camera b/c I cannot locate my camera batter charger)...so the photos aren't what I wanted, but whatever.  "Before" photo is disgusting.  And I also took my measurements.  Grossness.  So incredibly depressing.  Want to jump off a cliff - so gross.

Hunger wise - able to deal with it - not too overwhelming.  It's a different type of hunger...I want bread, crackers, pizza, all the naughty foods.  Have I mentioned that my head is killing me?!!!

Feel like crap...was going to make meatballs and sauce in the crock pot tonight...and kale chips....but I have ABSOLUTELY no energy.  And I feel like crap.

OH GEEZ I'm hoping this feeling like crap thing fades away after a few days...THIS SUCKS.  I am cleansing my body of evil refined sugars and evilness...cleansing...cleansing...and I've read a bunch of articles...these are the symptoms of changing to a low-carb diet: "Low carb diets can cause some noticeable side effects, especially in the first few days or week. Because you're cutting out simple sugars from your diet, your system will notice. You may have headaches, dizziness, nausea, feel tired, unenergetic or irritable. Think about it--how many times did you crave sugar? Well, now you're not eating much sugar, so your body goes through a withdrawal of sorts. You may experience big-time sugar cravings and constipation. To get through this period of time, drink plenty of water. It helps stabilize your body and alleviate the headaches and dizziness.  Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/11512-need-low-carb-diet-side/#ixzz1uuRB8rsK"

3 liters of water...you would think that would help with the headache...not yet.  Just peeing every few minutes, and tummy is diluted....

WANT PIZZA!!!!  AND SUGARY FOOD!!!!!!  SAVE ME...please?!

One down....16 more to go....if I don't lose any weight after the first 17 days, I am going to DIE!!!!!

Oh - and I'm under 1200 calories...can't really eat any more veggies.  Wish I could eat more (I'm wanting an orange.  or an apple - but i can't eat fruit after 2pm).

It will get easier...I just have to keep telling myself that....like I'm withdrawing from a drug...just got to get through the days...one at at time...I can do this!!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!  I CAN DO THIS!!!!





Sunday, May 13, 2012

And we're off!! Well...almost...

It's Sunday evening.  Tomorrow is the big day.  I have to admit, I'm both excited and terrified.  I'm excited about the challenge that lays ahead, about how healthy I'm going to be, about how good I'm going to feel, and how much more energy I am going to have.  I'm terrified about cravings, being hungry, failing, and not being able to maintain the momentum...and not losing weight.

This last week has been somewhat of a week of food debauchery for myself.  I've been trying to get in the last of all the things I normally crave - to try to get it out of my system (the craving/desire), and to essentially give myself as much of it as possible to hopefully break my desire and cravings for INSERT FOOD HERE from this point forward.  I think it's working.  I told Josh the other night that I really just wanted a salad.  Good sign - that I'm craving real and actual food.

I think to be successful on this lifestyle change, I have to have a perspective change.  My body does not need very much food to survive - definitely not as much as I would like to consume.  My body is a machine and it needs nutrients to thrive and work efficiently.  And those nutrients come compacted in whole foods like vegetables, fruits, and lean meats.  I am a tiny girl (height-wise, definitely NOT girth-wise).  I'm only 5'2" (and a quarter if you ask the nurse who measured me at my physical last week).  The thing about being short is that I don't have a lot of body to feed.  So, I really don't need that much food.  I think once I can accept that it might be easier for me to eat less.

My tongue, taste buds, and fat cells are screaming "NOOOOO!!!!" right now because of my above statement. They disagree and would like more food, please and thank you - and none of that healthy stuff, please and thank you.

I think they will have to have a perspective change as well.

So, here we are...on the eve of the big change.  Tomorrow morning Josh and I will both weigh in.  And tomorrow, after work, I will take my measurements (not doing it in the morning b/c I am at Josh's and he doesn't have tape measure so I'll have to wait to get home to do this).  I will also take a "BEFORE" photo when I get home (I forgot my camera at home and my cell phone sucks to take photos).  So the BEFORE photo will be the first day of the change.

So, what's on the menu for tomorrow?

For breakfast, I have a kefir strawberry smoothie planned.  Have beautiful yummy strawberries that smell so good and are a wonderful bright red.  Also having iced coffee (unsweetened) with acidophilus milk.  For lunch, I have a large salad made of greens (about 3-4 cups), yellow and red bell pepper (about half of each), 2 carrots, and slices of cucumber.  My dressing is olive oil and vinegar.  And I have grilled 2 chicken breasts (although I will only be eating one for lunch - the other is to keep at work for when I get hungry).  Two hard boiled eggs for a snack, along with veggies to crunch and munch on.  Dinner is going to be taco style lettuce wraps with ground low fat turkey, veggies, and butter lettuce.  Green tea is to be consumed with every meal and the mornings is to start with a glass of warm water and lemon.

The challenge is getting my exercise in!  I am going to work on getting back into running, I think.  It burns a lot of calories, and is a challenge for me.  I'm going to try to keep myself focused on little goals (instead of going all out and training for a large event like a half or full marathon, and then crapping out afterwards b/c I'm so sick of running at that point).  So, I'm going to work on little things like a) improving my 5K time; b) working towards improving my speed; c) maybe graduate from the Galloway walk/run program to a full run program (still deciding on this one).  Since I've been out of the running loop since November (over SIX months ago!), I'm going to start with a 30/30 combo for 20 minutes every day - that means alternating running and walking, every 30 seconds, for 20 minutes.  Then in two weeks, I may kick it up to 30 minutes, and so on...(right in time for Phase 2 of the plan).

The weather has been exceptionally warm lately (like upper 80s/lower 90s) - exceptionally warm for Portland, OR, that is.  So, getting my exercise in tomorrow is going to be quite challenging b/c it's going to be brutally hot.  Also, I have an acupuncture appointment after work, so I'll be running around like a crazy person - work, traffic, acupuncture, traffic, home, running, dinner...it'll probably be around 8 before I finally sit down to eat.  So, I'm going to be grumpy, and famished.  And hot.  But I will persevere because I will feel SO good after I complete day one!

I will post tomorrow, after I eat dinner and sit down, to let you know how the first day went.

So, dear friends, here's to the first day of the rest of my life!