Monday, May 28, 2012

Off the wagon.

So, I chose to fall off the wagon this weekend. 

Sunday, I had sunflower seeds, chocolate goldfish (instead of cheese), peanut M&Ms, mini snickers, shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, a cheeseburger ON A BUN, macaroni salad, AND potato chips.

Today, I had waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast.  More sunflower seeds.  And an awesome evening meal of pizza, followed by chocolate cake.

And I have enjoyed every morsel and EVERY bite.  This is what happens when I deny myself - I gorge.  Stupid gorging.

I had planned to get back on track today, after last night's food debauchery.  That did not happen.  So, then I thought - after breakfast.  That did not happen.  So, then, I thought - TOMORROW!  It's the end of a 3 day weekend that I desperately needed.  I have to get back to the real world tomorrow - which includes responsibilities such as cooking, and meal planning.  So, tomorrow it's BACK to the board.

Since I had two days of debauchery - I'm adding two-three days to the Phase I portion.  Dr. Moreno says you don't have to start over at Day I if you fall off the wagon, and although I'm tempted - I'm just going to add a few more days to try to cleanse some of the junk out. 

I'm feeling a lot of things right now.  Human.  Disappointed.  Happy.  Sick.  Angry.

Human.

I am human - I cannot be perfect.  I live life and I falter.  I am faced with temptations, and sometimes I give in.  I wanted to give in on Saturday - at the wedding - with bread and pie and potatoes.  But I remained strong...but that urge to give in has been bubbling to the surface and I had a feeling it would rear it's ugly head at me.  And - it did.  And I'm human.  So, I deal with it.

So, my weight loss is going to be slowed down a bit - and I'm honestly terrified to find out how much it's going to be thrown off.  Because I have worked SO HARD.  SO INCREDIBLY HARD.  I've posted how difficult this journey has been - you are all aware.  And I would be heartbroken if I found out that I've thrown it all away in 2 days.  Really hoping it's not the case.

Disappointed.

Disappointed that I have worked so hard and I chose to give in to my weakness.  I could have stayed strong.  I could have stuck to it.  But, I was weak and I gave in.  And I'm disappointed in myself.  I had made it through 2 weeks of the plan!  YAY!  But, I faltered.  Goes back to the support of the fact that I am human. 

Disappointed that I have to start over with the 21 day habit cycle - I didn't break myself of the carb cravings.  I gave in to them - 2 weeks in.  I only had one more week to go to get there - and I gave in!!!!  DAMN ME!

Disappointed that I worked so hard to get rid of the fake stuff.  My body was getting healthy.  And I just put more of that shit into it.  Now, I feel like I do need to start over to continue the cleansing.  I am no longer clean.

Happy.

Happy that I tasted wonderful food - buttered buns, potato chips, saltiness, sweetness, candy, chocolate.  DELICIOUSNESS!

Sick.

Did I not mention everything I have eaten?  You would be sick too!!!!  ICK in my tummy.  But happiness too!!!! ICK and HAPPY!

Angry.

Angry that I broke my awesome streak.  Angry that I'm not stronger.  Angry that I'm weak.  Angry that I'm human.  Angry that food won the battle in this war of the will.  Will it always win?  Is this my way of resigning myself to the fact that I will always be fat?  Always be ruled by food?  Am I conceding?

No.  My resolve is stronger than ever.  Maybe I need to have a gluttonous weekend every two weeks on this journey to allow myself to refocus?  I feel gross right now.  I felt like a rock star on the plan.  This is a journey.  This is not a race (even though I'd like it to be).  This is my life.  Cake happens and I will give in.  And that's ok.

I have the rest of my life to get this right, I suppose.  It's hard because I want to be thin now.  I want to be skinny now.  I want to be desirable and attractive NOW.  But, this is a learning process.  I didn't gain all this weight overnight.  I'm not going to lose it all overnight. 

So, here is the plan:

Tomorrow - breakfast is my kefir smoothie with green tea.  Iced coffee and eggs for snack.  Cabbage casserole for lunch.  Baby carrots for afternoon snack.  Fizza (faux pizza) for dinner. 

And instead of ending this cycle on Thursday and starting Phase II...I will be starting Phase II on Saturday.  Hmmm...I was thinking I would weigh myself on Saturday.  But, I don't think that's enough cushion time to get rid of the debauchery from this weekend.  So, I'm going to extend Phase I through Sunday.  I will start Phase II on Monday - June 4th. 

n one week - I will start Phase II.  So, I'm extending this cycle by 4 days (that should be enough time to get rid of two days of debauchery - I hope). 

So, phase II officially starts Monday, June 4th.  I will not weigh myself until Monday, June 4th.  It will be the start of a new week and a new phase in life.  :)  And I will work EXTREMELY hard this week to ensure I am on plan 100%!!!

No pork rinds.  No cheese (other than fat free feta).  No sausage.  No fruits after 2pm!  100% ON plan!  I can do this!  I am ready for this challenge! 

Back on the wagon again my friends!  Here's to another week of cleansing myself!  YAY!!!!  This is going to be wonderful!  I am very excited!

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